Battle of the Bulge

I had this big dream that I would be able to fit into my jeans by Nicky's first birthday and be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by Christmas.  Well Nicky turns 1 in two weeks and let me tell you - I've tried everything - from wishing really hard that the weight will come off all the way to sometimes watching what I eat and occassionally doing a bit of exercise and for some reason, none of this has worked!  Surprised?  Ya, neither was I.

So last week I bit the proverbial bullet and joined Weight Watchers.  I did WW back when I lived back in Canada to great success.. but I vowed I'd never do it again because I didn't like their idea of it being a simple equation between energy in/ energy out... that eating chocolate could be the same as eating an avocado simply because of the fat content.  I disagree with this.  I think that it's about total health and eating the right foods to feel good and look good.  BUT then I realised that WW has done a revamp and is now doing what is called ProPoints (which I find a bit confusing because their old way was Points but regardless..) which  takes in to account the type of food you eat.  So I went to a meeting last week and found out all about it. I  have to say, I thought it was really good.  I am actually eating way more that I did on the Points version but lots of healthier foods....  I was a bit sad to see that when I got to the meeting and stepped on the scales for the first time in ages it turned out that my hoping and wishing actually got me to GAIN 4 kgs.

But I've been doing the program for nearly a week now and my husband is totally on board too.  With me having had pnd we both really let our eating habits slide and have done little exercise.. which we both know wasn't the 'right' thing to do, but we were just trying to survive.  It obviously would've been better if we'd have been healthier and maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick, but we did what we could with the knowledge and the tools that we had at the time.  And now we're getting back on track.  We've both stayed within our 'propoints budget' every day and we're quite excited about the food we're eating!

I've also found that even though it's only been a week, we've both felt more control in our life.  It's like everything is related.  You know, I used to drive my husband to work in town (half hour away) a lot because I hated the mornings and I hated having to get the kids out the door etc so we used to all go together and get a 'treat' on the way.  So we'd rush around and try to get the 4 of us ready by 7:30 am and then we'd stop for our treat - a latte and a muffin.  By the time we got to town, the kids were bored and starting to cry, husband was late and I was stressed... and it ..turns out that my 'treat' was 17 points which is about half of my daily allowance.  Seems like all I was really 'treating' myself to was growing in to a size 16 pant!  So now this week I just stayed home - no need to drive him, I can't get my muffin haha!  So instead I started the day off relaxed and calm and none of us were rushing around. 

Also, because we are doing WW we are not buying take aways, eating out all the time, buying things here and there to feel better... so we'll be saving money.. .it just seems like everything is more under control now. I've also started a 3 week budgeting course today at the Lower Hutt Women's Centre so it seems to me that everything is falling in place nicely.  Time will tell... and tomorrow is my first weigh in so wish me luck!

My life as a balance scale

So as I've said I've had a rough few days - or rather nearly a week now.  By 'rough' I just mean that I'm not generally happy, that I feel a bit down.  I don't know if I've always had times like this or if the pnd has just caused me to examine these times more closely or if it's that I spend so much time without other grown ups that I tend to be more introspective... or maybe it's a combo of all three, but here I am, trying to figure out why things have been different since last thursday.

I was thinking, I'm doing lots of things right - I've improved my eating, am getting some exercise, have elimintated my daily glass of wine and I am getting plenty of rest (these are the four things C recommended for me: eating well, exercise, limit alcohol and rest).  So I seem to be doing plenty 'right'.  On the other hand, I've had some challenges as well - baby Nicky has been waking frequently in the night and not napping as easily during the day, my care-giver was away on holiday so I had the boys for 2 extra days on my own, Nicky has been extremely clingy to me - he was even screaming and arching backwards when I tried to put him in his high chair today (and he's normally a really placid, easy going bubba), I've been thinking about going back to work.  As a result of Nicky being clingy, I've had the tv on for most of the day most days and that results in Hammer being a bit hyper and generally not listening - of course because I've had to spend so much time and energy on Nicky, Hammer hasn't been getting heaps of attention (which I also feel very guilty about, along with the massive amounts of tv he's been watching).  So I have had a lot on my plate.

And this is where I started thinking that my life right now at this moment in time is really a balancing act.  I think about how awesome my life seemed three weeks ago and how only now today it's starting to get better again after a week or so of being pretty down.  And here's what I think... I think I've gotten my life to a point where things are pretty much good, even great at times... when everything goes to plan I'm doing well - I've got the kids in care, I have enough days to get the stuff done that I need to around the house and to get myself organised and keep the house in an ok state, and a wee bit of time for myself.  But when that goes out of balance even a bit - like my carer going away... well that tips the scale a bit where I go from being great to being ok.. then I've got a clingy kid... so it goes to being in survival mode.. then the other child starts acting up... and the scale tips further... and I talk to my husband about going back to work and initially we have all these hopes and dreams and I think about how great it would be and how I wouldn't have to worry about nap time and being the primary disciplinarian 24/7 and how my responsibility will be shared with others who have real expertise.... but then the reality hits and I have to do a resume, look for work, apply for jobs, interview for jobs... never mind that none of my work clothes fit... and the reality also of me working and still likely taking care of most of the household things and I just think it's too much.  It's just too much for me right now.

But I feel like, you know, that my husband would really like me to work.  Not just for the money but also because he genuinely believes that it will be good for me, that I will be back to my old self again because I will be out of the house and around others and not be alone and focused on the kids... and I agree.  The problem is that there is a huge gap between there (being employed) and where I am now.  There are so many things that have to happen between here and there and it seems huge to me. 

I worry that my husband thinks I'm slacking off, that I'm just taking this time to do what I want and to do all the things I've dreamt of while his dreams are on stand by and he works at a job he doesn't love so that we are all taken care of (because he does that!).  So I feel guilty for being at home when the kids are at care and I feel I need to justify it.  The reality is that I would never want to be home without the kids.  I mean ideally, I would be working.  I don't think what I'm doing now is a choice so much as something I need to do in order to survive.  But then I think that because I'm at home and costing us money on care I probably should just be at work earning money instead of wasting it.  And I do want to work, I do want that earning power to do all we dream of doing.  I guess I am just scared.

So here I am, still going round and round.  I know it will sort out. I just hope I'm not letting my husband down.

Take it easy on myself

Just when I get back in to writing, I go through a few bad days.  I haven't wanted to write because I think to myself 'I am past this, PND is a thing of the past'.  I hate to admit that maybe it isn't.  And I don't want to overthink things so I go about my business and try to get by all the while just feeling dread, stress, down....  I was just sitting here dreading when the kids get home and I called my husband to chat.  Thankfully he's so great, just listened to me and asked me what I thought it was.  I said it could be a number of things, that I want to work but haven't done my CV yet, that maybe I am stressed about going to work.. it could be anything.  I hate trying to figure it out and am not really convinced that's the best route anyway.  I told him I was stressing because I should be working on my resume but he told me to just take a break.  So I did, and watched a tv show.

I'm feeling a bit better now but it also dawned on me that I have had a rough couple of weeks - pnd or not.  I've got the kids with a care giver 4 mornings a week (Mon - Thurs) for 3 hours in the morning.  Last week the carer went away which means I had the kids Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon which was a lot for me.  Yesterday was their first day back and I joined Weight Watchers (oooohhhh more on this later!) and that took up my whole morning.  Today I did the groceries, ran some errands etc etc so it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit down.  There hasn't been much time for me at all and on my 'time off' I've just had to get heaps done.  To top it all off, little Nicky has been going through his 12 month clingy stage and I literally can not put him down for long periods of time, and when he starts to get tired he cries when I even go to put him down.  He's been waking in the night again and so I've been going to bed early to try to combat it which means little time after the kids have gone to bed for me/ me and hubby... and then of course waking in the night... it's really no suprise that I'm a bit down.

So I just realised that maybe I need to take it easy on myself.  Ok I've decided to work and I've not done much about it yet - but it's still early days - only made the decision late last week and haven't had much time to do anything really!  Though even in saying that I 'feel' like I could've made time.  But this is where I need to just relax on myself.  I don't need to do everything RIGHT NOW.  This is who I am now, I need to release the pressure.  I also have a ton of responsibilities (feeding the family, running errands, taking care of the house etc etc) so I can't just drop everything to write up my resume.  Plus I need to still take care of myself as a top priority. 

I read this quote yesterday and re-read it today and think it fits: 

"Feeling low?  'The more you understand and accept yourself, the better equipped you'll be to manage stress, life problems and relationship issues.'  This means no more negative self-talk or comparing yourself.  Aim to be the best version of yourself - and no-one else." 

I really like that.

So it turns out returning to work may not be so much of a choice....

My husband and I had a very candid discussion last night about our life, our finances, our dreams, our future... See for the past while we have been trying to work out how to have more money.  My standpoint has always been that we need to spend less; his that we need to earn more.  I've always felt a bit defensive  that his solution always seems to be that I go back to work.  Up until  now I've contemplated it but always ended up being way too overwhelmed by the idea. 

Now that I'm in a better place, it turns out my husband has been shouldering a big burden that he hadn't wanted to include me in, probably because I would've imploded.  So now we talk.. and it turns out that we have been gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) building credit card debt.  I honestly believed that if we got a budget and stuck to it, we could not only reduce that debt to zero, but also pay for our trip overseas and life would be fine.  He honestly doesn't think that can happen in our current financial situation with our current income.  And he's been s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d about it.  To know him is to know he never stresses about anything.  So I guess I have to pay attention.  Looks like I may be looking for work.

How do I feel about this?  I feel a mix of emotions.  Yesterday I was excited about getting back in to the workforce, being around other adults, having time and space to do something different.  Today I'm sad.  Today I feel scared to apply for jobs .. I have no desire to update my resume... I haven't actually had an interview in over 6 years because I've been travelling around so I always relied on temp jobs.  Unfortunately there is no sense of belonging while temping - my experience has always been that the permanent employees always think of you as an outsider.  So I do look forward to a sense of belonging.  But I'm scared.  I'm sad that I won't be here with my kids all the time .. though to be honest they already go to care most mornings and nap when they get home so if I worked 9 to 3 I wouldn't ACTUALLY see them any less... but still, I wouldn't be here with them.  And also with all that I've been through, with the depression and all, I think just doing anythign new is tough for me and returning to the workforced is huge.  I think the fact that I 'need' to go makes it a little easier (don't feel like I'm abandoning my kids because I have to do it).  But then I think we probably could survive if we just stopped spending so much.  And also - my husband really wants to buy this land we've seen.  So I kind of think 'what's up with that?'.

Then I think about how my husband and my Canadian friend here who has known me well over 10 years think I'll be much happier if I work.  Not sure about that.  I mean I'm not who I used to be and I don't think returning to work will miraculously make me that person again. 

So here I am, nervous, a bit sad, dissappointed that I won't be able to follow my dream of running my own business - at least not for now - and ya, just plain scared. 

Contemplating giong back to work

About every few months I go through this - I start thinking about going back to work.  I never intended to be a stay at home mum but with all that's happened, I found I couldn't actually work.  So now I go back and forth on what to do with my life, much as I always have really!  I mean I have this dream to start my own business and I have been working on it, but there is also the draw of being out in the workforce.  I don't 'have' to work, though it would help our family do all the extras that we would like to do ... like our trip to North America later this year - a part time job now would mean extra spending money while there.  And we are also thinking about buying some property that would help us towards our 'ultimate dream'.  I already have the kids in care 4 mornings a week and I wanted to use this time to work on my business (I'll discuss this more at another time) but I always end up fluffing around on the computer.  I could be out working during this time.  This past week I've been a bit down and I think sometimes I just miss being around other people.  The kids are gone, and I'm home alone and I this past week I have found that I've really been missing my friends from back home.  It's a lot of time to be on my own.  Anyway just a short one for now as I need to go get my boys but just wanted to get it out.  I'm contemplating working again.

Because then I have a day like today....

I would say that for the most part, I am happy.  Like actually happy, not just not depressed.  I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that but it's true.  I am happy again, have my zest for life back and get excited about all the small things that used to excite me.  Even when things weren't terrible when I had PND (and of course didn't realise I had PND), I mean when things were ok but not 100%, I honestly thought that my life would NEVER get better.  I used to always say 'I can't see how things could possibly get better, only how they could be mildly less bad'.  That was pretty much my tag-line and I said it to everyone.. until someone finally told me to get some medication!

But I digress.  I like to think I've closed that chapter in my life and that everyone has bad days and it's all just part of life.  Very true.  But today I had a bad day and I don't remember bad days before my pnd being as bad as this.  It's not the fear that the pnd is back or anything.. it's just that total lethargy that I feel when I have days like this.  And I never used to feel that way.  But then I also never used to get woken several times a night haha!!  That could be part of it too. 
BUT I did say to myself today that I just need to take it easy on myself.  Even if my depression is a thing of the past, I still am on the road to total recovery and I need to cut myself some slack.  So right then and there I decided to put everything on my to do list on hold, the kids were asleep so I put on Desperate Housewives, spoke to my husband and then started cutting fabric for a duvet cover I'm making my son.  I didn't feel 100%, but I definitely felt a lot better!  And I no longer felt like I 'couldn't make it' to the end of the day.

To Blog or Not to Blog....

Well that is the question!  A whole lot has been happening in my life and I feel that for the most part my PND is a thing of the past.  I go back and forth on whether or not to blog because on the one hand I feel that I do have a story to tell but on the other I want to just close that chapter in my life.  My friend has told me that I have to update my blog so here I am .. musing about what to do and whether to write or not.  So that's where I'm at right now! 

Success!!!

Might only be a small one but it is one nonetheless!!  I cleared off all the kitchen benches last night!!  Got rid of the stacks of mail, newspapers, flyers, empty shopping bags etc etc and now I can totally see the countertops AND I can get in the cupboards behind them to get the kids' dishes (which I use all the time - so you can imagine the nightmare of having to go over Mount Junkpile to get the plates, bowls and cups every mealtime!).  And my husband decided he wanted our living room to be without toys so as I was saying good night to Hammer last night, he picked up all the toys and put them in the 'toy room' (or smaller, second lounge) and now we can walk around our home again.  I feel ssooooooo good today!  It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I love having a tidy house.  I don't care if it's dirty, I just hate clutter and piles of junk everywhere.  I feel like we've accomplished something, and I'm able to enjoy the day more :)  For me disorganised house = disorganised mind so better off when the house is in a better state.

Musings in the evening about my life

I'm sitting here thinking once again that things are not any better.  I keep making changes and each time I hope that things will be great... but now I'm faced with the fact that they are not much better than before.  I have the kids in childcare 4 mornings a week for 3 hours each morning and I thought that once this happened I would feel heaps better.  It turns out I had a better week last week with a sick and clingy child than I am having this week.   I expected that this week I would have loads of time for myself but instead find that I am letting my husband sleep in in the mornings and when the boys are gone, I'm trying to get a million things done, none of which are for me.  I'm more exhausted now than I was a week ago.

I really thought I would have this time to myself.  I keep thinking once I get x,y and z done then I'll take the time for myself.  But honestly, jobs like laundry and dishes and making dinner will never ever get 'done', and even if they do -will I just make more work for myself?   I question (as therapists do) do I think I don't deserve this? I really don't think that's the case - I mean I do think I deserve time for myself.  But I also feel like I have to prove to my husband that I need it.  And even more than that I believe I have to give my husband some pay back because he is paying for the childcare and I'm not 'doing anything' at home so I need to make sure he gets a return on his investment before I can reap the benefits of the boys being in childcare. 

I'm really at a crossroads.  I was thinking this morning about going back to work.  Between my husband and I we could make enough money to do a lot of the things we dream ov... but then I think I also want to start my own business.  I make quilts for babies/ children and I absolutely love doing it.  I have no idea if people would even buy them or what but it's what I love doing.  But then I think I could earn a lot of money if I just go back to the workforce.  But then I also realise that I'll have all the duties of taking care of the kids with work on top of that.  On the other hand, staying home and having the kids in care is getting me no closer to doing my dream of my own business.  I just really don't know what to do.  I wish I had someone to talk to - one of my old friends who know me as me - before I had kids.  They're so far away though and have no idea what I'm going through.

Stress in the mornings

For some reason ever since we have moved to New Zealand I have felt a lot of stress in the mornings.  I wake up and there is a tightness in my chest and it doesn't ease til I leave the house.  My husband often does the morning routine of dressing and feeding the kids because I can not handle all that has to be done.  It has been happening again this week, even with the kids going to care in the mornings.  I think it's because I'm not organised and have to do so much before they go - get them dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, pack a bag of clothes and nappies and pack morning tea.  I feel like if I did all this the night before and I was organised then it would probably be better, but that day never seems to come!

But I think the problem is a bit bigger than lack of organisation.  I think it's as simple as the fact that I don't *have* to be anywhere or do anything.  I mean I have spent most of my life - 34 years - getting up, getting ready and going out 5 days a week (to school when I was younger, and then to work as an adult).   But now I don't have to do that.  I remember feeling the same way when the Chief and I lived in Edinburgh and I couldn't work for 6 months because I didn't have a work visa.  I felt horrible when he would get up and leave for work and I'd just be stuck at home.  So at the time, I would get up and drive him to work and then go to the gym.  I think I am just a person who *needs* somewhere to go in the morning. 

It's not just the stress of getting the boys and myself ready in the mornings because lets face it, I have 2 hours to get it all done.  Instead it's the staying here that bugs me.  This is why I often drive my husband to work.  I just can't handle staying here and not going out to something.  I'm hoping on nice days I'll walk the kids over to the care givers because then I can get out of the house earlier.  I can sit here and investigate why I feel this way and what I can do to change it or I can just accept that it is part of who I am.  I just like getting up and going - I used to even do it on weekends when I worked.. I'd walk down the street to get a coffee in the mornings because I like to get up and go.

This is part of what's got me thinking about going back to work.  I really like getting up and going and *doing* something during the day.  I love being with my kids, but I also love being a productive part of the 'paid workforce'.  I never planned to be a stay at home mum.  I even went back to work when Hammer was 8 months old, as was the plan, but I found I couldn't handle it at the time.  Now I've spent the better part of 2.5 years trying to become accustomed to being a stay at home mum.  I found it interesting that last week when C was here she said said that I did not, in fact, have PND.  What I have is 'adjustment disorder with low mood' meaning I am having a hard time adjusting to being a mum, and that I have a low mood because of that (no, I'm not going to change the name of my blog to 'Adjustment Disorder with Low Mood and Me' haha!).

I've spent a lot of time being introspective and thinking about what causes me to be the way I am and even more time thinking about how to change it.  But right now I can't deny how excited I become at thinking about being part of the workforce again.  I'm thinking it's time to stop thinking so much and start doing what feels right for me.  I just have to let go of the judgement of others... and more so, of myself

Bit of a Topsy-Turvy Day

Today has been up and down for me.  After much deliberation and a lot talking about it, today I finally started both boys in childcare.  I feel horrible even writing that.  I feel like I will be judged and looked down on for doing this.  But I also don't know what else to do. I just feel like I'm never even close to being on top of things.  I mean we moved country a year ago and then moved house 3 months ago and I feel like nothing has ever been 'in place'.  There is certainly not a 'place for everything' in our new home.  I feel like if we had been in our home and things were all set up before the kids came along, it would've been a lot easier.  But we weren't and now we have papers everywhere, mail goes unopened so bills get missed, there's stuff piled on every available flat surface, toys are everywhere etc etc.  Everywhere I turn, there is something that needs to be done but there is never any time for me to do it. 

Aside from the total mess in our house, another big reason for putting the kids in care is that my husband is gone from 7:30 in the morning til nearly 6 at night most weekdays (sometimes he works locally and then he's gone from 8:30 to 4:30 which is heavenly!) so I'm here with the boys, on my own for the most part (still don't know lots of people here).  Not only is it impossible to accomplish much during that time, but it's also a tiring day.  I have to say that in all honesty, my husband is pretty good.  He gets up with Hammer every morning and puts him to bed every night.  He baths the boys, he tidies the kitchen after dinner... but I was still finding myself still mad that he wasn't 'doing enough'. 

But then a couple of months ago I actually thought about it and thought.. well he really can't do any more than he's already doing!  I mean there just isn't enough hours in the day for him to do more and I know he doesn't have the energy any more than I do to get thigns done after the kids go to sleep.  And forget weekends - we are busy with the kids all the time and want to relax a bit when they're sleeping!  So I finally realised that I need to stop expecting more from him and figure out how we can get the help that we need.  I mean I think some families are really lucky in that they have other family nearby who can help - even jsut to watch the kids for short periods of time so the parents can get things done.. but we have no one, it's just us.  So what I can't do falls on my husband and vice versa.  I mean I don't think this is the way people are meant to live - thousands of miles from their family of origin.  But we do.  So that's why I started looking at care for the boys.  I figured that if they were gone for a while during the week then I could actually get stuff done that needs to be done and we could maybe have some free time in the evenings and on weekends (who knew taking care of a house and 4 people created so much work??  How do people do it??).  So I looked around at different options and finally decided on a care giver who will watch the boys in her own home.  I went through Porse who do all the relevant police checks and the care givers have to have first aid and Porse provides training etc. 

They are both there this morning for the first time and I'd been looking forward to it, thinking that I would drop them off and feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders.  But then this morning I got a bit apprehensive and thought I'd probably cry when I dropped them off.  Neither of these things happened.  I dropped them off and went and ran a few errands... but it didn't feel weird not having them with me.  I just felt like I used to feel - a person going about my business, getting things done that needed to be done.  Putting them in care actually turned out to be a non event for me.. not sure what to make of it.  I miss them, but in a weird 'I'm used to them being here' kind of way.

But the guilt and I guess shame of having them in care is what plagues me.  I don't really feel like a failure per say, but I do feel a bit like I *should* be able to do my 'job' without having to put them in care.  Everyone else seems to be able to, why can't I?  And I don't want to tell people I have them in care because I'm a stay at home mum and if my kids aren't home, then what the heck am I doing?  But as I said, I feel like there are a million things I need to do and I haven't even chipped the tip of the iceburg yet.  In a lot of ways I feel like i have to 'prove' myself that I'm getting things done when I'm home - I'm not just sitting around watching tv and eating bon bons.  But also, part of the kids being in care is so that I can get well again and have some time for myself.  My husband knows he will benefit too as he will be able to have some time to himself as well now that we have someone else helping with the boys.

Sigh - I don't know.  It's been a strange morning for sure.  Shortly I have to go and get them so it will be good to have them back with me again.  Then I have to drive to Wellington (half hour away) to bring Nicky to the hospital to meet with a surgeon about an ongoing problem he has.. then pick up hubby and come home and work on my residency application for living here.  See, always something else to do!  Originally I was hoping to put them in care to start on my idea of running my own business but that is going to be a far way off.  I have so much else to do first. 

How much time is 'enough' time to play with my kids?

Here's one of the thing that plagues me.  I feel like I'm never spending enough time actively playing with my children... And by playing I mean getting down on the floor and building blocks or playing with puzzles or having a puppet show or painting with them or whatever.  Some of the reason for this is that I am busy with doing house stuff, some of it is because I think it's great when they can play on their own, but most of it - if I'm completely honest - is because I don't particularly love playing.  I know, I know, that probably makes me a horrible mum because I should love playing with them and even if I didn't, I should just do it for them.

But here's the thing.  I used to think I had to play with them *all* the time.  And I think this was part of what made my life so stressful.  I mean how can you get dinner ready and do the laundry and take care of the house when you're playing all day?  I used to think all those things could wait and so I'd play and sit and talk  but then I noticed how I was just at the kids' beck and call ALL the time - I was showing them no boundaries and that I was a person who was just there to meet their every need.  Plus I ended up getting take aways half the time because even when I did attempt to cook, I was rushing around trying to get everything done before one of them called to me or cried and, well, you can imagine how stressful that would be!  So I put aside all the housework, cooking, cleaning and laundry and tried to lower my standards but you know what?  I was miserable and I was stressed, my kids were eating rubbish and I could never find anything when I needed it and that stressed me out even more!

So I have recently been told that it's good to do the housework while your kids are around - it teaches them how life really is.  So I started up again but you know what I find?  It seems like I'm always preparing a meal, cleaning up after a meal or loading/ unloading the dishwasher, hanging washing etc.  I just don't even know where I can find the time or (energy for that matter!) to play a lot with them anyway!

And by playing I don't mean just interacting.  I interact with them ALL the time.  I talk to them and sing to them.  We eat meals together and chat and smile.  They are always in the same room as I am when I'm cleaning and they help me or play and ask me for help with whatever they are doing.  My older boy helps me load the washer and hang the washing.  I explain to them what I'm doing.  I involve them.  But what I'm saying is that I rarely actually get down on the floor with them and play with their toys.

So my question is this.  How much time *should* we be actively playing with our kids?  Is it ok to get the things done that are necessary for the smooth-ish running of a household of 4 people?  Is chatting with them and involving them enough?  Or should I be playing with them more?  How much time do you spend playing with your kids?  Please take my poll

I'm baaaaack

I haven't posted in a while as we've had a 2 week holiday in the Gold Coast of Australia visiting the Chief's family and I also spent time catching up with friends from when we lived over there.  Aside from a few ups and downs it was a pretty good holiday.  We got back at midnight on Thursday only to wake up Friday morning, repack and drive up north to Rotorua for a family meeting.  If that wasn't crazy enough, Hammer got sick while we were in Rotorua.  We took him to the doctor because he had so many ulcers in his mouth that he couldn't eat.  Turns out he had hand, foot and mouth virus. 

So we got back on Sunday night to a house that had clean laundry piled up the lounge, dirty laudry piled up in the laundry room and an undetermined smell coming from the kitchen (note: don't leave food in the fridge while you're gone for 2 weeks!) and on top of this I had a very clingly toddler and an on the go baby who started crawling while we were overseas.  Hammer just wanted to be with me so both boys napped ON me during the day.  The good thing was they both slept for about 3 hours during the day.  The bad thing was, of course, that they were laying on me!!  I just sat in a chair thinking 'this is about them, not me' and tried to ignore the growing mountain of laundry and the mess in our house.

The plan (when will I learn not to plan??!) was to come home, have Monday as a 'do nothing' day and then I was going to start the kids with a care giver on Tuesday.  Of course with Hammer being sick, all that went out the window.  I was ok with not starting the childcare because when he's sick, I just want him to get better, but it did make me feel like SOMETHING always comes up.  I was feeling like it is constantly one thing after another and how it seems like as soon as I see a light at the end of the tunnel I sort of feel like there's this hand reaching up to pull me back down.  I started thinking maybe I'm not meant to be happy.. maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel because every time I start thinking it will get better, something comes along to show me that no, in fact, it won't.

But then a couple of strange things happened... I was thinking all of this while in the car after dropping off the Chief at work and then I thought of the devastation going on in this world and I thought.. at least I have a home to go back to.  Man that just hit me like a ton of bricks. Firstly because it changed my thinking from feeling sorry for myself to actually feeling pretty lucky and grateful for what I do have... but secondly because it made me aware that I am getting better.  Two months ago I never would have thought about it that way.  Less fortunate people would come in to my mind but I would quicly dismiss it because I just couldn't contemplate other people at all.  I was so far in the darkness that I couldn't even see beyond myself.  But by realising that I am lucky, I can see how far I've come.  I can now realise that even if my life is crap right now, it's only right now and life will get better.  Next week will be a different week.  And this made me realise that even if I had a setback, it doesn't mean I am back where I started.  Say there's a scale of where I'm at from 1 to 10 (where 1 is wanting to drive in to a tree and 10 is loving life to the max) I was probably at a 2 in November of 2010 or even a 1... and now I'm probably hovering around a 6.  Getting help with the childcare would push me to a 7 or possibly an 8... but then coming home and being jet-lagged and having a messy house and a sick child has probably only set me back to a 5.  It's good to know that.  Like a set back is just a set back, not starting back at square one.

And the other strange thing happened when C (the nurse from Maternal Mental Health) visited.  She told me that young children tend to get sick 10 times a year.  TEN times!!  Now wonder why I feel like it's one thing after another - because it is!!!  This is why I think knowledge is key.  Now that I know this I don't have to think 'why me' when my kids get sick.  I can instead think 'this is time number 3 out of about 10' and I'm not the only one it happens to.  And for some reason that makes me feel better.

Christchurch Earthquake

Well I haven't had a chance to write here for the past few days as I'm on holiday and had to get my computer set up .. which was low on the list of priorities (settling in, hanging with in-laws, neice's baptism and first birthday, shopping, etc) and now that I'm up and running the only thing I can think about is the horrible disaster down south.  It has really affected me and I'm not quite sure why.  As soon as I heard about it I was glued to the tv and found tears coming to my eyes.  I just kept thinking 'that's my country' which is a bit crazy considering that I've only lived in NZ for a year and I've never even been to the South Island.  But there it is, can't really write about anything else.  I feel for the people of Chch, they have been through so much.  I wonder if they are thinking like I am - how can they even start to recover from this?  My thoughts are with them and their families and friends. 

My little big secret

Today I had a home visit from a woman from Maternal Mental Health.  The woman who came to visit me - let's call her 'C' - is a nurse who has worked in the mental health field for some time.  She came out a week ago to assess me and see what kind of help I needed.  Last week she said I was pretty borderline as to whether or not I was someone they would treat because I'm 'high functioning' (her words).  This week was a bit different because of course yesterday I was having such a hard day so today I guess I wasn't as high functioning!! 

C is really good, a bit tough on me but actually I think I may need it.  She's holding me accountable to goals I set.  For example, last week when she was here I told her about my goals to get fit and lose weight.  I told her I'd planned to do pilates 3 times a week and either go for a walk or run 3 times a week.  She stopped me and said 'Right there, you're setting yourself up for failure'.  She said just plan to do exercise 3 times a week and then if you do more, great, but if you don't then at least you've succeeded in reaching your goal. 

Hmmm... I have always been of the 'go hard or go home' philosophy and thought that 6 times a week is a good minimum goal - I mean 3 times a week is great for other people but not me, I can do better than that.  But for some reason when C said this to me, for once, it finally dawned on me that maybe I do expect too much from myself.  So I did my 3 walks last week and told her as much (2 were walking around shops haha).  She said that's great but that she wants me to do 3 deliberate walks around my neighbourhood  because we all walk all the time but it's important to just walk for the sake of exercise ...so that's what I mean about her being tough but fair.

We also talked about the bad day I was having yesterday.  She keeps saying to me there is no magic wand that I can wave to make everything better, and that it is tough to make changes when I'm in this frame of mind.. but I also gathered that the tough road will be the road that gets me better.  I mean obviously if I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to get the same results (thanks Dr Phil).  I talked to her about how we're going away in 2 days and how the kitchen has been a disaster so yesterday I decided it was too much for me to tidy before making a meal so I went out and got fast food.  She told me that was just an excuse to do the thing that I wanted to do anyway.  She said it makes no difference to her that I eat fast food, she thinks I'm fabulous (thanks :)) but that what happens is I then come home and feel bad about what I've eaten and beat myself up over it and it brings me down.  So ya.  Tough.  But also fair I think.  Like really, I wanted fast food but I blamed the kitchen (my husband, tiredness etc etc) for it so I could get my food and have a reason.  But she said there will always be an excuse!

I also ventured into unchartered territory.  This is something I'm so hesitant to talk about (here - or anywhere for that matter) but on my road to recovery, I think I have to be honest.  This is not easy for me.  Sigh.  Ok so I mentioned my drinking.  I had mentioned it last week to her and she applauded me for talking about it because she said at least it's not my 'dirty little secret' (her words) anymore.  I spoke to her about it because when she came in she told me her background is in drug and alcohol abuse.  See, this is why I so firmly believe that the universe sends us what we need when we need it.  I've always been concerned that my drinking was problematic .. I mean I suppose it was fine when I was single and socialising.. but now I often feel that once the kids go to sleep I *need* a drink.  C told me that there are lots of things to do to make ourselves feel better but the thing with alcohol is that it is immediate gratification and it provides that relief I so desperately need.  But of course that is only in the moment and with alcohol being a depressant, it makes me feel worse the next day (this is what I was beating myself up over yesterday because I KNOW this stuff, but I still DO it).  So anyway, I asked her if I was an alcoholic.  She said no (phew!) and that very few people make it to that exclusive group.  She did say that I am a 'hazardous' drinker.  I'm not quite 'dangerous' but I am at risk.  This is because of family history (sorry family) with alcohol.  So there it is folks.

**disclaimer - I did NOT drink during pregnancy!!!!!!

It's a tricky thing...

This PND.  I go along thinking everything is fine, I'm getting better, I've even felt excited about things... and then a day like today hits and I'm so down in the dumps I don't want to do anything.  I don't get how one day I can be completely fine then the next be hurting so much that I end up in tears for no apparent reason.  I mean I'm sure there's a reason, but it's not anything obvious - at least not to me.  It's a beautiful sunny day outside, my eldest son is at pre-school which leaves me only one child to look after, I am going on holiday soon.. everything seems to be ok, yet I am not. 

I try to figure out what it could be that's causing me to be down, but maybe this is just the way it is with pnd.  Like some days will I just be feeling low for no discernable reason?  Or is there something going on that is actually the cause (could it be the messy kitchen we've had for too many days? stress about the holiday? too much time on my hands etc etc).  Why are some days hard and others not so much?

I have been trying to think back on what I've learned from the PND support group and various other sources over the past while and I think of things like:

• feelings are just feelings and they can change - that is to say I can feel like this now, but that doesn't mean I'll feel this way tomorrow, or in an hour for that matter

• feelings, thoughts and behaviours all influence each other so if I can change the thought then I can change my feelings .. so that makes me wonder have I been thinking something that has been bringing me down?  And I realise that ya, I sort of woke up beating myself up about something and that could have quite possibly caused the initial bad feelings, then they've just spiraled down.  Also behaviour affects feelings (and vice versa) so perhaps if I change my behaviour - ie get out of the house - then I might feel better.  But the thing is, I don't 'feel' like going out!  I want to just relax before I have to go get Hammer in 45 minutes

• live in the moment - so stop thinking about making dinner tonight and what I need to do in the morning and dreading going to get Hammer soon and just think about right now.  Think about the fact that right now, Hammer is at pre-school and Nicky is napping and I am just fine sitting here typing...

But I still FEEL like crap!  And this is all just so much work to get me to just feel 'ok'... I mean it's not even going to make me 'happy' ... it's only (possibly) get me to feel not so miserable.  And why, WHY do I feel this way today when yesterday I was ok?  And what do I do in these days to get out of this feeling?  I just want the horrible feeling to stop.  And I don't know what's causing it and what to do to stop it :( 

Who Am I?

When I was setting up my blog, this was a bit of a road block for me.  I mean it's such a simple question.. who am I?  I started typing and kept backspacking and deleting what I had typed.  I wrote 'stay at home mum with 2 young boys' but this conjured up the image that I had of SAHMs before I had kids - someone who sat on the floor and played with their kids all day...not exactly me.

Is 'who I am' who I was before I had kids? A career woman who travelled and socialised and graduated from university?  Not really who I am right now either.

I mean how do you write who you are in a small little box on the side of the page anyway?  I think it requires a little more depth than that..  So I'll tell you a bit about who I am, in a round-about way, starting with the stats...

I'm a 38 year old Canadian living in New Zealand.  I am married to a Kiwi and at the end of this month we are celebrating our 3 year anniversary.  Our oldest son, Hammer, is 2 years and 4 months (ya, ya, do the math) and our youngest, Nicky, is nearly 9 months old.  So I'm a Mum and a wife..

After graduating University but before becoming a wife I worked in IT in Ottawa, Ontario.  I had a few different jobs but the one I had the longest was working for a software company as a sales representative, selling encryption software (yawn - but really, a great company to work for!).  When it was time for a change, I chose to go hard (and not go home) and moved to Edinburgh, Scotland to be a live-in manager of a Bed and Breakfast.  Then I moved on to being an IT trainer and got to travel around Scoltand training medical staff.  So ya, I guess I was a career woman too.

I met my husband when I was managing the B&B and we lived together in Edinburgh for nearly 4 years.  When we got engaged, we decided we should 'settle down' and raise our family in one of our home countries.  New Zealand was the decision, so we travelled Europe a bit and stopped in at the Gold Coast, Australia and decided to stay for 2 and a half years.  We had our first son there.  When I was pregnant with number 2, we moved over to Wellington, New Zealand and are still here (thankfully!).  So I guess I'm also a bit of a traveller too (been to 17 countries, which is pretty cool considering I hadn't seen an ocean til I was 26).

But these things don't really tell you 'who I am' so much as they tell you 'what I've done'.  Really, who I am is a kind person with a good heart, a mum of 2 who is struggling a lot most days, who wishes she had more friends or even a few really close friends or family nearby, who has all kinds of hopes and dreams but feels a bit like she'll never be able to get to them now that she's a parent.. someone who is working through this new life and trying to find her way.

And on a lighter note, I'm someone who loves music, loves socialising, painting, drawing, sewing, doing crafts - really doing anything creative; someone who loves cooking and reading and writing and dreaming and planning and organising.  I'm also quite in to learning and listening to myself and becoming a better person.  There are so many facets to who I am.

That's why I find such a simple question so difficult to answer.  I mean really, who are you?

Wednesdays...

When I used to work outside the home.. you know, before I had kids and I had a regular office job... I used to LOVE Wednesdays.  It was the middle of the week, hump day.  And when 12:00 hit I knew I was on the downhill slide to the weekend.

Over the past year I have grown to HATE Wednesdays.  Now, to me they, are a sign that there's still 3 long days to go before the weekend.  I hate midday even more because I dread the kids waking from the afternoon nap and having to get through to the end of the day. 

Today was different though.  My husband let me sleep in and when I got up it was a glorious sunny day.  I drove him to work, which I often do, and on the drive I started thinking about all the things I could do today and all the things I wanted to do today.  Then I stopped myself.  See I've come to realise that making all these plans only leaves me feeling like crap by the end of the day because I just can never get to any of them.  Like I think 'I want to write in my journal' or 'I'd like to do a few things to organise my sewing room' and little things like that but then I usually get to the end of the day and I've had no time to do any of them.  I now stop myself from making plans because if I get to the end of the day and haven't had a chance to do any of them, I start to think about how little there is 'for me' in this world I live in. I still daydream but instead think 'I'd like to do 'x' at some point soon' and that makes me feel better.  I can dream about it but don't feel bad if I don't actually get to it.  So today was going pretty well....

But then of course something happened that caused a bump in my shiney day.  I went to a playgroup to meet with a child carer that I thought I'd like to have look after my kids (more on this later).  She's excellent, but after today's playgroup I just started to feel unsure if she's right for us.  I am looking for someone to watch my boys 3 mornings a week for 3 hours each day but the 3 days I want her to look after them, she's at various playgroups and Playcentres.  I just feel like it's a bit much for the boys - today they were both crying while we were there and I ended upu leaving an hour early.  So I was pretty down about that because I had thought that we had this sorted and I was (finally!) going to get a bit of time for myself, but now it doesn't seem like it was going to work out.

I talked to the Chief and he was very supportive as always but also pointed out that this carer is really good at handling things and wouldn't crack under pressure.  I know this is a great skill and she has a lot of other admirable qualities as well.  I might have already been on a downer about her anyway..  with this depression, it's so hard to tell what is really my 'gut' and what isn't because everything is so mixed up.  In the end, I've decided that I will check out 2 other carers just to compare.  I mean after all, I got 3 quotes when we wanted to insulate our home.  Why wouldn't I check out a few different carers for the most important people in my life?!

So we came home, had a nap and the afternoon worked out all right.  I took the boys out for a walk and then came home to make dinner.  The boys were a bit unsettled so I decided to leave dinner (first time!) and just sit with them.  Of course, my husband isn't bothered.. he'd rather come home to a sane wife and no dinner than to a fully cooked dinner on the table and a screaming wife like he has in the past!  But ya, it ended up working out ok.  So now I'm ok, just knackered!

Welcome

Hello and welcome.  I wrote a couple of entries a while back when I was in what was probably (hopefully) the worst of my Postnatal Depression (PND) or Postpartum Depression (PPD) as my friends back home would say.  I figure now is a good time to start again on this blog as a way to help me work through my life at the moment.

A little bit about what brought me to where I am today.. the story is pretty long, but the reader's digest version is this... I met my husband, the Chief,  in 2004 and we got married early in 2008.  Later that same year, our lovely little Hammer came along... then in 2010 little Nicky joined our family.  During that time we have moved country 3 times (yes country!) and our life has been pretty unsettled to say the least!  After all the major changes were finished and we were moved in to our new house, I realised that I was still not getting better.  I constantly found myself saying that I was miserable 80% of the time and I could see no way of it ever being any better unless I could build a time machine and go back and not have kids... finally someone heard me and told me to go see my doctor.  I did, and I made the extremely difficult decision to go on medication.  Looking back now, I can't believe how bad I was.  Things that I thought were just a part of who I'd become since having kids, from the basic lack of joy in my life all the way to my thoughts and beliefs about my parents and my childhood were all actually part of the depression. 

That's not to say that I'm 'all better' now.  I'm still struggling through this bumpy road, but at least now I think that at some point it will be fine.  I can actually stay home now instead of always running around town trying to keep busy so that I didn't have to feel the hopelessness that I was feeling. 

This is the point where most people seem  to go in to how much they love their kids and how happy and well adjusted they are.  I think this is because there is some unspoken rule that it's not ok to say that being a mother is tough and sometimes it sucks.  It's like we feel we need to keep everything in balance by saying what a rewarding experience motherhood is and reassure everyone that our kids are ok and are not being neglected and are generally pretty happy ... but I'm not going to do that here.  I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just saying I won't do that here.  This is not a blog for my kids.  It is for me.