I haven't posted in a while as we've had a 2 week holiday in the Gold Coast of Australia visiting the Chief's family and I also spent time catching up with friends from when we lived over there. Aside from a few ups and downs it was a pretty good holiday. We got back at midnight on Thursday only to wake up Friday morning, repack and drive up north to Rotorua for a family meeting. If that wasn't crazy enough, Hammer got sick while we were in Rotorua. We took him to the doctor because he had so many ulcers in his mouth that he couldn't eat. Turns out he had hand, foot and mouth virus.
So we got back on Sunday night to a house that had clean laundry piled up the lounge, dirty laudry piled up in the laundry room and an undetermined smell coming from the kitchen (note: don't leave food in the fridge while you're gone for 2 weeks!) and on top of this I had a very clingly toddler and an on the go baby who started crawling while we were overseas. Hammer just wanted to be with me so both boys napped ON me during the day. The good thing was they both slept for about 3 hours during the day. The bad thing was, of course, that they were laying on me!! I just sat in a chair thinking 'this is about them, not me' and tried to ignore the growing mountain of laundry and the mess in our house.
The plan (when will I learn not to plan??!) was to come home, have Monday as a 'do nothing' day and then I was going to start the kids with a care giver on Tuesday. Of course with Hammer being sick, all that went out the window. I was ok with not starting the childcare because when he's sick, I just want him to get better, but it did make me feel like SOMETHING always comes up. I was feeling like it is constantly one thing after another and how it seems like as soon as I see a light at the end of the tunnel I sort of feel like there's this hand reaching up to pull me back down. I started thinking maybe I'm not meant to be happy.. maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel because every time I start thinking it will get better, something comes along to show me that no, in fact, it won't.
But then a couple of strange things happened... I was thinking all of this while in the car after dropping off the Chief at work and then I thought of the devastation going on in this world and I thought.. at least I have a home to go back to. Man that just hit me like a ton of bricks. Firstly because it changed my thinking from feeling sorry for myself to actually feeling pretty lucky and grateful for what I do have... but secondly because it made me aware that I am getting better. Two months ago I never would have thought about it that way. Less fortunate people would come in to my mind but I would quicly dismiss it because I just couldn't contemplate other people at all. I was so far in the darkness that I couldn't even see beyond myself. But by realising that I am lucky, I can see how far I've come. I can now realise that even if my life is crap right now, it's only right now and life will get better. Next week will be a different week. And this made me realise that even if I had a setback, it doesn't mean I am back where I started. Say there's a scale of where I'm at from 1 to 10 (where 1 is wanting to drive in to a tree and 10 is loving life to the max) I was probably at a 2 in November of 2010 or even a 1... and now I'm probably hovering around a 6. Getting help with the childcare would push me to a 7 or possibly an 8... but then coming home and being jet-lagged and having a messy house and a sick child has probably only set me back to a 5. It's good to know that. Like a set back is just a set back, not starting back at square one.
And the other strange thing happened when C (the nurse from Maternal Mental Health) visited. She told me that young children tend to get sick 10 times a year. TEN times!! Now wonder why I feel like it's one thing after another - because it is!!! This is why I think knowledge is key. Now that I know this I don't have to think 'why me' when my kids get sick. I can instead think 'this is time number 3 out of about 10' and I'm not the only one it happens to. And for some reason that makes me feel better.
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