I'm sitting here thinking once again that things are not any better. I keep making changes and each time I hope that things will be great... but now I'm faced with the fact that they are not much better than before. I have the kids in childcare 4 mornings a week for 3 hours each morning and I thought that once this happened I would feel heaps better. It turns out I had a better week last week with a sick and clingy child than I am having this week. I expected that this week I would have loads of time for myself but instead find that I am letting my husband sleep in in the mornings and when the boys are gone, I'm trying to get a million things done, none of which are for me. I'm more exhausted now than I was a week ago.
I really thought I would have this time to myself. I keep thinking once I get x,y and z done then I'll take the time for myself. But honestly, jobs like laundry and dishes and making dinner will never ever get 'done', and even if they do -will I just make more work for myself? I question (as therapists do) do I think I don't deserve this? I really don't think that's the case - I mean I do think I deserve time for myself. But I also feel like I have to prove to my husband that I need it. And even more than that I believe I have to give my husband some pay back because he is paying for the childcare and I'm not 'doing anything' at home so I need to make sure he gets a return on his investment before I can reap the benefits of the boys being in childcare.
I'm really at a crossroads. I was thinking this morning about going back to work. Between my husband and I we could make enough money to do a lot of the things we dream ov... but then I think I also want to start my own business. I make quilts for babies/ children and I absolutely love doing it. I have no idea if people would even buy them or what but it's what I love doing. But then I think I could earn a lot of money if I just go back to the workforce. But then I also realise that I'll have all the duties of taking care of the kids with work on top of that. On the other hand, staying home and having the kids in care is getting me no closer to doing my dream of my own business. I just really don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to talk to - one of my old friends who know me as me - before I had kids. They're so far away though and have no idea what I'm going through.
Oh hun... Get in touch with them. They would want to help!!
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to "find" yourself when you have kids and PND (Or whatever C called it) It all seems insurmountable.
You know I am here for you... I just don't know what I can do to help. You've seen my housekeeping skills :)
My 5c worth - how about getting in a cleaner OR set aside one morning to do area M -Lounge, Tues - Kitchen etc and have Thursday be YOUR Day! Go slob at the library go to the gym, go window shopping in town etc
Stud1 always says that if he comes in and hears that we've had a great day and we're both still smiling; he doesn't care that I haven't washed the kitchen floor or vacuumed. I got lucky :D
Hugs and as always - you know where I am!
Thankyou for being so honest in your blog.
ReplyDeleteI think the guilt (or whatever it is) hits almost every mum. I stay at home with my toddler and I feel guilty almost every day that the house isn't in great shape even though I have time to do it..and guilty that my husband does a lot of child-care in the mornings and evenings.
I guess the upside of going back to work will be that you could use some of the money earned to pay for a cleaner :)
Thanks Jenn for your comment - it is good to hear that I'm not alone in having my husband do the morning/ evening childcare. It's a shame that guilt seems to come along with motherhood, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteLatteJunkie - always appreciate your comments :) Of course you know my man doesn't care at all about the state of our house .. as I've said before he'd rather come home to a happy wife and a messy house than a clean house and a stressed out wife... but it's me. I just can't live with clutter!