Stress in the mornings

For some reason ever since we have moved to New Zealand I have felt a lot of stress in the mornings.  I wake up and there is a tightness in my chest and it doesn't ease til I leave the house.  My husband often does the morning routine of dressing and feeding the kids because I can not handle all that has to be done.  It has been happening again this week, even with the kids going to care in the mornings.  I think it's because I'm not organised and have to do so much before they go - get them dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, pack a bag of clothes and nappies and pack morning tea.  I feel like if I did all this the night before and I was organised then it would probably be better, but that day never seems to come!

But I think the problem is a bit bigger than lack of organisation.  I think it's as simple as the fact that I don't *have* to be anywhere or do anything.  I mean I have spent most of my life - 34 years - getting up, getting ready and going out 5 days a week (to school when I was younger, and then to work as an adult).   But now I don't have to do that.  I remember feeling the same way when the Chief and I lived in Edinburgh and I couldn't work for 6 months because I didn't have a work visa.  I felt horrible when he would get up and leave for work and I'd just be stuck at home.  So at the time, I would get up and drive him to work and then go to the gym.  I think I am just a person who *needs* somewhere to go in the morning. 

It's not just the stress of getting the boys and myself ready in the mornings because lets face it, I have 2 hours to get it all done.  Instead it's the staying here that bugs me.  This is why I often drive my husband to work.  I just can't handle staying here and not going out to something.  I'm hoping on nice days I'll walk the kids over to the care givers because then I can get out of the house earlier.  I can sit here and investigate why I feel this way and what I can do to change it or I can just accept that it is part of who I am.  I just like getting up and going - I used to even do it on weekends when I worked.. I'd walk down the street to get a coffee in the mornings because I like to get up and go.

This is part of what's got me thinking about going back to work.  I really like getting up and going and *doing* something during the day.  I love being with my kids, but I also love being a productive part of the 'paid workforce'.  I never planned to be a stay at home mum.  I even went back to work when Hammer was 8 months old, as was the plan, but I found I couldn't handle it at the time.  Now I've spent the better part of 2.5 years trying to become accustomed to being a stay at home mum.  I found it interesting that last week when C was here she said said that I did not, in fact, have PND.  What I have is 'adjustment disorder with low mood' meaning I am having a hard time adjusting to being a mum, and that I have a low mood because of that (no, I'm not going to change the name of my blog to 'Adjustment Disorder with Low Mood and Me' haha!).

I've spent a lot of time being introspective and thinking about what causes me to be the way I am and even more time thinking about how to change it.  But right now I can't deny how excited I become at thinking about being part of the workforce again.  I'm thinking it's time to stop thinking so much and start doing what feels right for me.  I just have to let go of the judgement of others... and more so, of myself