Today has been up and down for me. After much deliberation and a lot talking about it, today I finally started both boys in childcare. I feel horrible even writing that. I feel like I will be judged and looked down on for doing this. But I also don't know what else to do. I just feel like I'm never even close to being on top of things. I mean we moved country a year ago and then moved house 3 months ago and I feel like nothing has ever been 'in place'. There is certainly not a 'place for everything' in our new home. I feel like if we had been in our home and things were all set up before the kids came along, it would've been a lot easier. But we weren't and now we have papers everywhere, mail goes unopened so bills get missed, there's stuff piled on every available flat surface, toys are everywhere etc etc. Everywhere I turn, there is something that needs to be done but there is never any time for me to do it.
Aside from the total mess in our house, another big reason for putting the kids in care is that my husband is gone from 7:30 in the morning til nearly 6 at night most weekdays (sometimes he works locally and then he's gone from 8:30 to 4:30 which is heavenly!) so I'm here with the boys, on my own for the most part (still don't know lots of people here). Not only is it impossible to accomplish much during that time, but it's also a tiring day. I have to say that in all honesty, my husband is pretty good. He gets up with Hammer every morning and puts him to bed every night. He baths the boys, he tidies the kitchen after dinner... but I was still finding myself still mad that he wasn't 'doing enough'.
But then a couple of months ago I actually thought about it and thought.. well he really can't do any more than he's already doing! I mean there just isn't enough hours in the day for him to do more and I know he doesn't have the energy any more than I do to get thigns done after the kids go to sleep. And forget weekends - we are busy with the kids all the time and want to relax a bit when they're sleeping! So I finally realised that I need to stop expecting more from him and figure out how we can get the help that we need. I mean I think some families are really lucky in that they have other family nearby who can help - even jsut to watch the kids for short periods of time so the parents can get things done.. but we have no one, it's just us. So what I can't do falls on my husband and vice versa. I mean I don't think this is the way people are meant to live - thousands of miles from their family of origin. But we do. So that's why I started looking at care for the boys. I figured that if they were gone for a while during the week then I could actually get stuff done that needs to be done and we could maybe have some free time in the evenings and on weekends (who knew taking care of a house and 4 people created so much work?? How do people do it??). So I looked around at different options and finally decided on a care giver who will watch the boys in her own home. I went through Porse who do all the relevant police checks and the care givers have to have first aid and Porse provides training etc.
They are both there this morning for the first time and I'd been looking forward to it, thinking that I would drop them off and feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders. But then this morning I got a bit apprehensive and thought I'd probably cry when I dropped them off. Neither of these things happened. I dropped them off and went and ran a few errands... but it didn't feel weird not having them with me. I just felt like I used to feel - a person going about my business, getting things done that needed to be done. Putting them in care actually turned out to be a non event for me.. not sure what to make of it. I miss them, but in a weird 'I'm used to them being here' kind of way.
But the guilt and I guess shame of having them in care is what plagues me. I don't really feel like a failure per say, but I do feel a bit like I *should* be able to do my 'job' without having to put them in care. Everyone else seems to be able to, why can't I? And I don't want to tell people I have them in care because I'm a stay at home mum and if my kids aren't home, then what the heck am I doing? But as I said, I feel like there are a million things I need to do and I haven't even chipped the tip of the iceburg yet. In a lot of ways I feel like i have to 'prove' myself that I'm getting things done when I'm home - I'm not just sitting around watching tv and eating bon bons. But also, part of the kids being in care is so that I can get well again and have some time for myself. My husband knows he will benefit too as he will be able to have some time to himself as well now that we have someone else helping with the boys.
Sigh - I don't know. It's been a strange morning for sure. Shortly I have to go and get them so it will be good to have them back with me again. Then I have to drive to Wellington (half hour away) to bring Nicky to the hospital to meet with a surgeon about an ongoing problem he has.. then pick up hubby and come home and work on my residency application for living here. See, always something else to do! Originally I was hoping to put them in care to start on my idea of running my own business but that is going to be a far way off. I have so much else to do first.
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