So as I've said I've had a rough few days - or rather nearly a week now. By 'rough' I just mean that I'm not generally happy, that I feel a bit down. I don't know if I've always had times like this or if the pnd has just caused me to examine these times more closely or if it's that I spend so much time without other grown ups that I tend to be more introspective... or maybe it's a combo of all three, but here I am, trying to figure out why things have been different since last thursday.
I was thinking, I'm doing lots of things right - I've improved my eating, am getting some exercise, have elimintated my daily glass of wine and I am getting plenty of rest (these are the four things C recommended for me: eating well, exercise, limit alcohol and rest). So I seem to be doing plenty 'right'. On the other hand, I've had some challenges as well - baby Nicky has been waking frequently in the night and not napping as easily during the day, my care-giver was away on holiday so I had the boys for 2 extra days on my own, Nicky has been extremely clingy to me - he was even screaming and arching backwards when I tried to put him in his high chair today (and he's normally a really placid, easy going bubba), I've been thinking about going back to work. As a result of Nicky being clingy, I've had the tv on for most of the day most days and that results in Hammer being a bit hyper and generally not listening - of course because I've had to spend so much time and energy on Nicky, Hammer hasn't been getting heaps of attention (which I also feel very guilty about, along with the massive amounts of tv he's been watching). So I have had a lot on my plate.
And this is where I started thinking that my life right now at this moment in time is really a balancing act. I think about how awesome my life seemed three weeks ago and how only now today it's starting to get better again after a week or so of being pretty down. And here's what I think... I think I've gotten my life to a point where things are pretty much good, even great at times... when everything goes to plan I'm doing well - I've got the kids in care, I have enough days to get the stuff done that I need to around the house and to get myself organised and keep the house in an ok state, and a wee bit of time for myself. But when that goes out of balance even a bit - like my carer going away... well that tips the scale a bit where I go from being great to being ok.. then I've got a clingy kid... so it goes to being in survival mode.. then the other child starts acting up... and the scale tips further... and I talk to my husband about going back to work and initially we have all these hopes and dreams and I think about how great it would be and how I wouldn't have to worry about nap time and being the primary disciplinarian 24/7 and how my responsibility will be shared with others who have real expertise.... but then the reality hits and I have to do a resume, look for work, apply for jobs, interview for jobs... never mind that none of my work clothes fit... and the reality also of me working and still likely taking care of most of the household things and I just think it's too much. It's just too much for me right now.
But I feel like, you know, that my husband would really like me to work. Not just for the money but also because he genuinely believes that it will be good for me, that I will be back to my old self again because I will be out of the house and around others and not be alone and focused on the kids... and I agree. The problem is that there is a huge gap between there (being employed) and where I am now. There are so many things that have to happen between here and there and it seems huge to me.
I worry that my husband thinks I'm slacking off, that I'm just taking this time to do what I want and to do all the things I've dreamt of while his dreams are on stand by and he works at a job he doesn't love so that we are all taken care of (because he does that!). So I feel guilty for being at home when the kids are at care and I feel I need to justify it. The reality is that I would never want to be home without the kids. I mean ideally, I would be working. I don't think what I'm doing now is a choice so much as something I need to do in order to survive. But then I think that because I'm at home and costing us money on care I probably should just be at work earning money instead of wasting it. And I do want to work, I do want that earning power to do all we dream of doing. I guess I am just scared.
So here I am, still going round and round. I know it will sort out. I just hope I'm not letting my husband down.
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