My husband and I had a very candid discussion last night about our life, our finances, our dreams, our future... See for the past while we have been trying to work out how to have more money. My standpoint has always been that we need to spend less; his that we need to earn more. I've always felt a bit defensive that his solution always seems to be that I go back to work. Up until now I've contemplated it but always ended up being way too overwhelmed by the idea.
Now that I'm in a better place, it turns out my husband has been shouldering a big burden that he hadn't wanted to include me in, probably because I would've imploded. So now we talk.. and it turns out that we have been gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) building credit card debt. I honestly believed that if we got a budget and stuck to it, we could not only reduce that debt to zero, but also pay for our trip overseas and life would be fine. He honestly doesn't think that can happen in our current financial situation with our current income. And he's been s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d about it. To know him is to know he never stresses about anything. So I guess I have to pay attention. Looks like I may be looking for work.
How do I feel about this? I feel a mix of emotions. Yesterday I was excited about getting back in to the workforce, being around other adults, having time and space to do something different. Today I'm sad. Today I feel scared to apply for jobs .. I have no desire to update my resume... I haven't actually had an interview in over 6 years because I've been travelling around so I always relied on temp jobs. Unfortunately there is no sense of belonging while temping - my experience has always been that the permanent employees always think of you as an outsider. So I do look forward to a sense of belonging. But I'm scared. I'm sad that I won't be here with my kids all the time .. though to be honest they already go to care most mornings and nap when they get home so if I worked 9 to 3 I wouldn't ACTUALLY see them any less... but still, I wouldn't be here with them. And also with all that I've been through, with the depression and all, I think just doing anythign new is tough for me and returning to the workforced is huge. I think the fact that I 'need' to go makes it a little easier (don't feel like I'm abandoning my kids because I have to do it). But then I think we probably could survive if we just stopped spending so much. And also - my husband really wants to buy this land we've seen. So I kind of think 'what's up with that?'.
Then I think about how my husband and my Canadian friend here who has known me well over 10 years think I'll be much happier if I work. Not sure about that. I mean I'm not who I used to be and I don't think returning to work will miraculously make me that person again.
So here I am, nervous, a bit sad, dissappointed that I won't be able to follow my dream of running my own business - at least not for now - and ya, just plain scared.
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