Welcome

Hello and welcome.  I wrote a couple of entries a while back when I was in what was probably (hopefully) the worst of my Postnatal Depression (PND) or Postpartum Depression (PPD) as my friends back home would say.  I figure now is a good time to start again on this blog as a way to help me work through my life at the moment.

A little bit about what brought me to where I am today.. the story is pretty long, but the reader's digest version is this... I met my husband, the Chief,  in 2004 and we got married early in 2008.  Later that same year, our lovely little Hammer came along... then in 2010 little Nicky joined our family.  During that time we have moved country 3 times (yes country!) and our life has been pretty unsettled to say the least!  After all the major changes were finished and we were moved in to our new house, I realised that I was still not getting better.  I constantly found myself saying that I was miserable 80% of the time and I could see no way of it ever being any better unless I could build a time machine and go back and not have kids... finally someone heard me and told me to go see my doctor.  I did, and I made the extremely difficult decision to go on medication.  Looking back now, I can't believe how bad I was.  Things that I thought were just a part of who I'd become since having kids, from the basic lack of joy in my life all the way to my thoughts and beliefs about my parents and my childhood were all actually part of the depression. 

That's not to say that I'm 'all better' now.  I'm still struggling through this bumpy road, but at least now I think that at some point it will be fine.  I can actually stay home now instead of always running around town trying to keep busy so that I didn't have to feel the hopelessness that I was feeling. 

This is the point where most people seem  to go in to how much they love their kids and how happy and well adjusted they are.  I think this is because there is some unspoken rule that it's not ok to say that being a mother is tough and sometimes it sucks.  It's like we feel we need to keep everything in balance by saying what a rewarding experience motherhood is and reassure everyone that our kids are ok and are not being neglected and are generally pretty happy ... but I'm not going to do that here.  I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just saying I won't do that here.  This is not a blog for my kids.  It is for me.