Battle of the Bulge

I had this big dream that I would be able to fit into my jeans by Nicky's first birthday and be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by Christmas.  Well Nicky turns 1 in two weeks and let me tell you - I've tried everything - from wishing really hard that the weight will come off all the way to sometimes watching what I eat and occassionally doing a bit of exercise and for some reason, none of this has worked!  Surprised?  Ya, neither was I.

So last week I bit the proverbial bullet and joined Weight Watchers.  I did WW back when I lived back in Canada to great success.. but I vowed I'd never do it again because I didn't like their idea of it being a simple equation between energy in/ energy out... that eating chocolate could be the same as eating an avocado simply because of the fat content.  I disagree with this.  I think that it's about total health and eating the right foods to feel good and look good.  BUT then I realised that WW has done a revamp and is now doing what is called ProPoints (which I find a bit confusing because their old way was Points but regardless..) which  takes in to account the type of food you eat.  So I went to a meeting last week and found out all about it. I  have to say, I thought it was really good.  I am actually eating way more that I did on the Points version but lots of healthier foods....  I was a bit sad to see that when I got to the meeting and stepped on the scales for the first time in ages it turned out that my hoping and wishing actually got me to GAIN 4 kgs.

But I've been doing the program for nearly a week now and my husband is totally on board too.  With me having had pnd we both really let our eating habits slide and have done little exercise.. which we both know wasn't the 'right' thing to do, but we were just trying to survive.  It obviously would've been better if we'd have been healthier and maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick, but we did what we could with the knowledge and the tools that we had at the time.  And now we're getting back on track.  We've both stayed within our 'propoints budget' every day and we're quite excited about the food we're eating!

I've also found that even though it's only been a week, we've both felt more control in our life.  It's like everything is related.  You know, I used to drive my husband to work in town (half hour away) a lot because I hated the mornings and I hated having to get the kids out the door etc so we used to all go together and get a 'treat' on the way.  So we'd rush around and try to get the 4 of us ready by 7:30 am and then we'd stop for our treat - a latte and a muffin.  By the time we got to town, the kids were bored and starting to cry, husband was late and I was stressed... and it ..turns out that my 'treat' was 17 points which is about half of my daily allowance.  Seems like all I was really 'treating' myself to was growing in to a size 16 pant!  So now this week I just stayed home - no need to drive him, I can't get my muffin haha!  So instead I started the day off relaxed and calm and none of us were rushing around. 

Also, because we are doing WW we are not buying take aways, eating out all the time, buying things here and there to feel better... so we'll be saving money.. .it just seems like everything is more under control now. I've also started a 3 week budgeting course today at the Lower Hutt Women's Centre so it seems to me that everything is falling in place nicely.  Time will tell... and tomorrow is my first weigh in so wish me luck!

My life as a balance scale

So as I've said I've had a rough few days - or rather nearly a week now.  By 'rough' I just mean that I'm not generally happy, that I feel a bit down.  I don't know if I've always had times like this or if the pnd has just caused me to examine these times more closely or if it's that I spend so much time without other grown ups that I tend to be more introspective... or maybe it's a combo of all three, but here I am, trying to figure out why things have been different since last thursday.

I was thinking, I'm doing lots of things right - I've improved my eating, am getting some exercise, have elimintated my daily glass of wine and I am getting plenty of rest (these are the four things C recommended for me: eating well, exercise, limit alcohol and rest).  So I seem to be doing plenty 'right'.  On the other hand, I've had some challenges as well - baby Nicky has been waking frequently in the night and not napping as easily during the day, my care-giver was away on holiday so I had the boys for 2 extra days on my own, Nicky has been extremely clingy to me - he was even screaming and arching backwards when I tried to put him in his high chair today (and he's normally a really placid, easy going bubba), I've been thinking about going back to work.  As a result of Nicky being clingy, I've had the tv on for most of the day most days and that results in Hammer being a bit hyper and generally not listening - of course because I've had to spend so much time and energy on Nicky, Hammer hasn't been getting heaps of attention (which I also feel very guilty about, along with the massive amounts of tv he's been watching).  So I have had a lot on my plate.

And this is where I started thinking that my life right now at this moment in time is really a balancing act.  I think about how awesome my life seemed three weeks ago and how only now today it's starting to get better again after a week or so of being pretty down.  And here's what I think... I think I've gotten my life to a point where things are pretty much good, even great at times... when everything goes to plan I'm doing well - I've got the kids in care, I have enough days to get the stuff done that I need to around the house and to get myself organised and keep the house in an ok state, and a wee bit of time for myself.  But when that goes out of balance even a bit - like my carer going away... well that tips the scale a bit where I go from being great to being ok.. then I've got a clingy kid... so it goes to being in survival mode.. then the other child starts acting up... and the scale tips further... and I talk to my husband about going back to work and initially we have all these hopes and dreams and I think about how great it would be and how I wouldn't have to worry about nap time and being the primary disciplinarian 24/7 and how my responsibility will be shared with others who have real expertise.... but then the reality hits and I have to do a resume, look for work, apply for jobs, interview for jobs... never mind that none of my work clothes fit... and the reality also of me working and still likely taking care of most of the household things and I just think it's too much.  It's just too much for me right now.

But I feel like, you know, that my husband would really like me to work.  Not just for the money but also because he genuinely believes that it will be good for me, that I will be back to my old self again because I will be out of the house and around others and not be alone and focused on the kids... and I agree.  The problem is that there is a huge gap between there (being employed) and where I am now.  There are so many things that have to happen between here and there and it seems huge to me. 

I worry that my husband thinks I'm slacking off, that I'm just taking this time to do what I want and to do all the things I've dreamt of while his dreams are on stand by and he works at a job he doesn't love so that we are all taken care of (because he does that!).  So I feel guilty for being at home when the kids are at care and I feel I need to justify it.  The reality is that I would never want to be home without the kids.  I mean ideally, I would be working.  I don't think what I'm doing now is a choice so much as something I need to do in order to survive.  But then I think that because I'm at home and costing us money on care I probably should just be at work earning money instead of wasting it.  And I do want to work, I do want that earning power to do all we dream of doing.  I guess I am just scared.

So here I am, still going round and round.  I know it will sort out. I just hope I'm not letting my husband down.

Take it easy on myself

Just when I get back in to writing, I go through a few bad days.  I haven't wanted to write because I think to myself 'I am past this, PND is a thing of the past'.  I hate to admit that maybe it isn't.  And I don't want to overthink things so I go about my business and try to get by all the while just feeling dread, stress, down....  I was just sitting here dreading when the kids get home and I called my husband to chat.  Thankfully he's so great, just listened to me and asked me what I thought it was.  I said it could be a number of things, that I want to work but haven't done my CV yet, that maybe I am stressed about going to work.. it could be anything.  I hate trying to figure it out and am not really convinced that's the best route anyway.  I told him I was stressing because I should be working on my resume but he told me to just take a break.  So I did, and watched a tv show.

I'm feeling a bit better now but it also dawned on me that I have had a rough couple of weeks - pnd or not.  I've got the kids with a care giver 4 mornings a week (Mon - Thurs) for 3 hours in the morning.  Last week the carer went away which means I had the kids Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon which was a lot for me.  Yesterday was their first day back and I joined Weight Watchers (oooohhhh more on this later!) and that took up my whole morning.  Today I did the groceries, ran some errands etc etc so it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit down.  There hasn't been much time for me at all and on my 'time off' I've just had to get heaps done.  To top it all off, little Nicky has been going through his 12 month clingy stage and I literally can not put him down for long periods of time, and when he starts to get tired he cries when I even go to put him down.  He's been waking in the night again and so I've been going to bed early to try to combat it which means little time after the kids have gone to bed for me/ me and hubby... and then of course waking in the night... it's really no suprise that I'm a bit down.

So I just realised that maybe I need to take it easy on myself.  Ok I've decided to work and I've not done much about it yet - but it's still early days - only made the decision late last week and haven't had much time to do anything really!  Though even in saying that I 'feel' like I could've made time.  But this is where I need to just relax on myself.  I don't need to do everything RIGHT NOW.  This is who I am now, I need to release the pressure.  I also have a ton of responsibilities (feeding the family, running errands, taking care of the house etc etc) so I can't just drop everything to write up my resume.  Plus I need to still take care of myself as a top priority. 

I read this quote yesterday and re-read it today and think it fits: 

"Feeling low?  'The more you understand and accept yourself, the better equipped you'll be to manage stress, life problems and relationship issues.'  This means no more negative self-talk or comparing yourself.  Aim to be the best version of yourself - and no-one else." 

I really like that.

So it turns out returning to work may not be so much of a choice....

My husband and I had a very candid discussion last night about our life, our finances, our dreams, our future... See for the past while we have been trying to work out how to have more money.  My standpoint has always been that we need to spend less; his that we need to earn more.  I've always felt a bit defensive  that his solution always seems to be that I go back to work.  Up until  now I've contemplated it but always ended up being way too overwhelmed by the idea. 

Now that I'm in a better place, it turns out my husband has been shouldering a big burden that he hadn't wanted to include me in, probably because I would've imploded.  So now we talk.. and it turns out that we have been gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) building credit card debt.  I honestly believed that if we got a budget and stuck to it, we could not only reduce that debt to zero, but also pay for our trip overseas and life would be fine.  He honestly doesn't think that can happen in our current financial situation with our current income.  And he's been s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d about it.  To know him is to know he never stresses about anything.  So I guess I have to pay attention.  Looks like I may be looking for work.

How do I feel about this?  I feel a mix of emotions.  Yesterday I was excited about getting back in to the workforce, being around other adults, having time and space to do something different.  Today I'm sad.  Today I feel scared to apply for jobs .. I have no desire to update my resume... I haven't actually had an interview in over 6 years because I've been travelling around so I always relied on temp jobs.  Unfortunately there is no sense of belonging while temping - my experience has always been that the permanent employees always think of you as an outsider.  So I do look forward to a sense of belonging.  But I'm scared.  I'm sad that I won't be here with my kids all the time .. though to be honest they already go to care most mornings and nap when they get home so if I worked 9 to 3 I wouldn't ACTUALLY see them any less... but still, I wouldn't be here with them.  And also with all that I've been through, with the depression and all, I think just doing anythign new is tough for me and returning to the workforced is huge.  I think the fact that I 'need' to go makes it a little easier (don't feel like I'm abandoning my kids because I have to do it).  But then I think we probably could survive if we just stopped spending so much.  And also - my husband really wants to buy this land we've seen.  So I kind of think 'what's up with that?'.

Then I think about how my husband and my Canadian friend here who has known me well over 10 years think I'll be much happier if I work.  Not sure about that.  I mean I'm not who I used to be and I don't think returning to work will miraculously make me that person again. 

So here I am, nervous, a bit sad, dissappointed that I won't be able to follow my dream of running my own business - at least not for now - and ya, just plain scared. 

Contemplating giong back to work

About every few months I go through this - I start thinking about going back to work.  I never intended to be a stay at home mum but with all that's happened, I found I couldn't actually work.  So now I go back and forth on what to do with my life, much as I always have really!  I mean I have this dream to start my own business and I have been working on it, but there is also the draw of being out in the workforce.  I don't 'have' to work, though it would help our family do all the extras that we would like to do ... like our trip to North America later this year - a part time job now would mean extra spending money while there.  And we are also thinking about buying some property that would help us towards our 'ultimate dream'.  I already have the kids in care 4 mornings a week and I wanted to use this time to work on my business (I'll discuss this more at another time) but I always end up fluffing around on the computer.  I could be out working during this time.  This past week I've been a bit down and I think sometimes I just miss being around other people.  The kids are gone, and I'm home alone and I this past week I have found that I've really been missing my friends from back home.  It's a lot of time to be on my own.  Anyway just a short one for now as I need to go get my boys but just wanted to get it out.  I'm contemplating working again.

Because then I have a day like today....

I would say that for the most part, I am happy.  Like actually happy, not just not depressed.  I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that but it's true.  I am happy again, have my zest for life back and get excited about all the small things that used to excite me.  Even when things weren't terrible when I had PND (and of course didn't realise I had PND), I mean when things were ok but not 100%, I honestly thought that my life would NEVER get better.  I used to always say 'I can't see how things could possibly get better, only how they could be mildly less bad'.  That was pretty much my tag-line and I said it to everyone.. until someone finally told me to get some medication!

But I digress.  I like to think I've closed that chapter in my life and that everyone has bad days and it's all just part of life.  Very true.  But today I had a bad day and I don't remember bad days before my pnd being as bad as this.  It's not the fear that the pnd is back or anything.. it's just that total lethargy that I feel when I have days like this.  And I never used to feel that way.  But then I also never used to get woken several times a night haha!!  That could be part of it too. 
BUT I did say to myself today that I just need to take it easy on myself.  Even if my depression is a thing of the past, I still am on the road to total recovery and I need to cut myself some slack.  So right then and there I decided to put everything on my to do list on hold, the kids were asleep so I put on Desperate Housewives, spoke to my husband and then started cutting fabric for a duvet cover I'm making my son.  I didn't feel 100%, but I definitely felt a lot better!  And I no longer felt like I 'couldn't make it' to the end of the day.

To Blog or Not to Blog....

Well that is the question!  A whole lot has been happening in my life and I feel that for the most part my PND is a thing of the past.  I go back and forth on whether or not to blog because on the one hand I feel that I do have a story to tell but on the other I want to just close that chapter in my life.  My friend has told me that I have to update my blog so here I am .. musing about what to do and whether to write or not.  So that's where I'm at right now!