Because then I have a day like today....

I would say that for the most part, I am happy.  Like actually happy, not just not depressed.  I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that but it's true.  I am happy again, have my zest for life back and get excited about all the small things that used to excite me.  Even when things weren't terrible when I had PND (and of course didn't realise I had PND), I mean when things were ok but not 100%, I honestly thought that my life would NEVER get better.  I used to always say 'I can't see how things could possibly get better, only how they could be mildly less bad'.  That was pretty much my tag-line and I said it to everyone.. until someone finally told me to get some medication!

But I digress.  I like to think I've closed that chapter in my life and that everyone has bad days and it's all just part of life.  Very true.  But today I had a bad day and I don't remember bad days before my pnd being as bad as this.  It's not the fear that the pnd is back or anything.. it's just that total lethargy that I feel when I have days like this.  And I never used to feel that way.  But then I also never used to get woken several times a night haha!!  That could be part of it too. 
BUT I did say to myself today that I just need to take it easy on myself.  Even if my depression is a thing of the past, I still am on the road to total recovery and I need to cut myself some slack.  So right then and there I decided to put everything on my to do list on hold, the kids were asleep so I put on Desperate Housewives, spoke to my husband and then started cutting fabric for a duvet cover I'm making my son.  I didn't feel 100%, but I definitely felt a lot better!  And I no longer felt like I 'couldn't make it' to the end of the day.

To Blog or Not to Blog....

Well that is the question!  A whole lot has been happening in my life and I feel that for the most part my PND is a thing of the past.  I go back and forth on whether or not to blog because on the one hand I feel that I do have a story to tell but on the other I want to just close that chapter in my life.  My friend has told me that I have to update my blog so here I am .. musing about what to do and whether to write or not.  So that's where I'm at right now! 

Success!!!

Might only be a small one but it is one nonetheless!!  I cleared off all the kitchen benches last night!!  Got rid of the stacks of mail, newspapers, flyers, empty shopping bags etc etc and now I can totally see the countertops AND I can get in the cupboards behind them to get the kids' dishes (which I use all the time - so you can imagine the nightmare of having to go over Mount Junkpile to get the plates, bowls and cups every mealtime!).  And my husband decided he wanted our living room to be without toys so as I was saying good night to Hammer last night, he picked up all the toys and put them in the 'toy room' (or smaller, second lounge) and now we can walk around our home again.  I feel ssooooooo good today!  It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I love having a tidy house.  I don't care if it's dirty, I just hate clutter and piles of junk everywhere.  I feel like we've accomplished something, and I'm able to enjoy the day more :)  For me disorganised house = disorganised mind so better off when the house is in a better state.

Musings in the evening about my life

I'm sitting here thinking once again that things are not any better.  I keep making changes and each time I hope that things will be great... but now I'm faced with the fact that they are not much better than before.  I have the kids in childcare 4 mornings a week for 3 hours each morning and I thought that once this happened I would feel heaps better.  It turns out I had a better week last week with a sick and clingy child than I am having this week.   I expected that this week I would have loads of time for myself but instead find that I am letting my husband sleep in in the mornings and when the boys are gone, I'm trying to get a million things done, none of which are for me.  I'm more exhausted now than I was a week ago.

I really thought I would have this time to myself.  I keep thinking once I get x,y and z done then I'll take the time for myself.  But honestly, jobs like laundry and dishes and making dinner will never ever get 'done', and even if they do -will I just make more work for myself?   I question (as therapists do) do I think I don't deserve this? I really don't think that's the case - I mean I do think I deserve time for myself.  But I also feel like I have to prove to my husband that I need it.  And even more than that I believe I have to give my husband some pay back because he is paying for the childcare and I'm not 'doing anything' at home so I need to make sure he gets a return on his investment before I can reap the benefits of the boys being in childcare. 

I'm really at a crossroads.  I was thinking this morning about going back to work.  Between my husband and I we could make enough money to do a lot of the things we dream ov... but then I think I also want to start my own business.  I make quilts for babies/ children and I absolutely love doing it.  I have no idea if people would even buy them or what but it's what I love doing.  But then I think I could earn a lot of money if I just go back to the workforce.  But then I also realise that I'll have all the duties of taking care of the kids with work on top of that.  On the other hand, staying home and having the kids in care is getting me no closer to doing my dream of my own business.  I just really don't know what to do.  I wish I had someone to talk to - one of my old friends who know me as me - before I had kids.  They're so far away though and have no idea what I'm going through.

Stress in the mornings

For some reason ever since we have moved to New Zealand I have felt a lot of stress in the mornings.  I wake up and there is a tightness in my chest and it doesn't ease til I leave the house.  My husband often does the morning routine of dressing and feeding the kids because I can not handle all that has to be done.  It has been happening again this week, even with the kids going to care in the mornings.  I think it's because I'm not organised and have to do so much before they go - get them dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, pack a bag of clothes and nappies and pack morning tea.  I feel like if I did all this the night before and I was organised then it would probably be better, but that day never seems to come!

But I think the problem is a bit bigger than lack of organisation.  I think it's as simple as the fact that I don't *have* to be anywhere or do anything.  I mean I have spent most of my life - 34 years - getting up, getting ready and going out 5 days a week (to school when I was younger, and then to work as an adult).   But now I don't have to do that.  I remember feeling the same way when the Chief and I lived in Edinburgh and I couldn't work for 6 months because I didn't have a work visa.  I felt horrible when he would get up and leave for work and I'd just be stuck at home.  So at the time, I would get up and drive him to work and then go to the gym.  I think I am just a person who *needs* somewhere to go in the morning. 

It's not just the stress of getting the boys and myself ready in the mornings because lets face it, I have 2 hours to get it all done.  Instead it's the staying here that bugs me.  This is why I often drive my husband to work.  I just can't handle staying here and not going out to something.  I'm hoping on nice days I'll walk the kids over to the care givers because then I can get out of the house earlier.  I can sit here and investigate why I feel this way and what I can do to change it or I can just accept that it is part of who I am.  I just like getting up and going - I used to even do it on weekends when I worked.. I'd walk down the street to get a coffee in the mornings because I like to get up and go.

This is part of what's got me thinking about going back to work.  I really like getting up and going and *doing* something during the day.  I love being with my kids, but I also love being a productive part of the 'paid workforce'.  I never planned to be a stay at home mum.  I even went back to work when Hammer was 8 months old, as was the plan, but I found I couldn't handle it at the time.  Now I've spent the better part of 2.5 years trying to become accustomed to being a stay at home mum.  I found it interesting that last week when C was here she said said that I did not, in fact, have PND.  What I have is 'adjustment disorder with low mood' meaning I am having a hard time adjusting to being a mum, and that I have a low mood because of that (no, I'm not going to change the name of my blog to 'Adjustment Disorder with Low Mood and Me' haha!).

I've spent a lot of time being introspective and thinking about what causes me to be the way I am and even more time thinking about how to change it.  But right now I can't deny how excited I become at thinking about being part of the workforce again.  I'm thinking it's time to stop thinking so much and start doing what feels right for me.  I just have to let go of the judgement of others... and more so, of myself

Bit of a Topsy-Turvy Day

Today has been up and down for me.  After much deliberation and a lot talking about it, today I finally started both boys in childcare.  I feel horrible even writing that.  I feel like I will be judged and looked down on for doing this.  But I also don't know what else to do. I just feel like I'm never even close to being on top of things.  I mean we moved country a year ago and then moved house 3 months ago and I feel like nothing has ever been 'in place'.  There is certainly not a 'place for everything' in our new home.  I feel like if we had been in our home and things were all set up before the kids came along, it would've been a lot easier.  But we weren't and now we have papers everywhere, mail goes unopened so bills get missed, there's stuff piled on every available flat surface, toys are everywhere etc etc.  Everywhere I turn, there is something that needs to be done but there is never any time for me to do it. 

Aside from the total mess in our house, another big reason for putting the kids in care is that my husband is gone from 7:30 in the morning til nearly 6 at night most weekdays (sometimes he works locally and then he's gone from 8:30 to 4:30 which is heavenly!) so I'm here with the boys, on my own for the most part (still don't know lots of people here).  Not only is it impossible to accomplish much during that time, but it's also a tiring day.  I have to say that in all honesty, my husband is pretty good.  He gets up with Hammer every morning and puts him to bed every night.  He baths the boys, he tidies the kitchen after dinner... but I was still finding myself still mad that he wasn't 'doing enough'. 

But then a couple of months ago I actually thought about it and thought.. well he really can't do any more than he's already doing!  I mean there just isn't enough hours in the day for him to do more and I know he doesn't have the energy any more than I do to get thigns done after the kids go to sleep.  And forget weekends - we are busy with the kids all the time and want to relax a bit when they're sleeping!  So I finally realised that I need to stop expecting more from him and figure out how we can get the help that we need.  I mean I think some families are really lucky in that they have other family nearby who can help - even jsut to watch the kids for short periods of time so the parents can get things done.. but we have no one, it's just us.  So what I can't do falls on my husband and vice versa.  I mean I don't think this is the way people are meant to live - thousands of miles from their family of origin.  But we do.  So that's why I started looking at care for the boys.  I figured that if they were gone for a while during the week then I could actually get stuff done that needs to be done and we could maybe have some free time in the evenings and on weekends (who knew taking care of a house and 4 people created so much work??  How do people do it??).  So I looked around at different options and finally decided on a care giver who will watch the boys in her own home.  I went through Porse who do all the relevant police checks and the care givers have to have first aid and Porse provides training etc. 

They are both there this morning for the first time and I'd been looking forward to it, thinking that I would drop them off and feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders.  But then this morning I got a bit apprehensive and thought I'd probably cry when I dropped them off.  Neither of these things happened.  I dropped them off and went and ran a few errands... but it didn't feel weird not having them with me.  I just felt like I used to feel - a person going about my business, getting things done that needed to be done.  Putting them in care actually turned out to be a non event for me.. not sure what to make of it.  I miss them, but in a weird 'I'm used to them being here' kind of way.

But the guilt and I guess shame of having them in care is what plagues me.  I don't really feel like a failure per say, but I do feel a bit like I *should* be able to do my 'job' without having to put them in care.  Everyone else seems to be able to, why can't I?  And I don't want to tell people I have them in care because I'm a stay at home mum and if my kids aren't home, then what the heck am I doing?  But as I said, I feel like there are a million things I need to do and I haven't even chipped the tip of the iceburg yet.  In a lot of ways I feel like i have to 'prove' myself that I'm getting things done when I'm home - I'm not just sitting around watching tv and eating bon bons.  But also, part of the kids being in care is so that I can get well again and have some time for myself.  My husband knows he will benefit too as he will be able to have some time to himself as well now that we have someone else helping with the boys.

Sigh - I don't know.  It's been a strange morning for sure.  Shortly I have to go and get them so it will be good to have them back with me again.  Then I have to drive to Wellington (half hour away) to bring Nicky to the hospital to meet with a surgeon about an ongoing problem he has.. then pick up hubby and come home and work on my residency application for living here.  See, always something else to do!  Originally I was hoping to put them in care to start on my idea of running my own business but that is going to be a far way off.  I have so much else to do first. 

How much time is 'enough' time to play with my kids?

Here's one of the thing that plagues me.  I feel like I'm never spending enough time actively playing with my children... And by playing I mean getting down on the floor and building blocks or playing with puzzles or having a puppet show or painting with them or whatever.  Some of the reason for this is that I am busy with doing house stuff, some of it is because I think it's great when they can play on their own, but most of it - if I'm completely honest - is because I don't particularly love playing.  I know, I know, that probably makes me a horrible mum because I should love playing with them and even if I didn't, I should just do it for them.

But here's the thing.  I used to think I had to play with them *all* the time.  And I think this was part of what made my life so stressful.  I mean how can you get dinner ready and do the laundry and take care of the house when you're playing all day?  I used to think all those things could wait and so I'd play and sit and talk  but then I noticed how I was just at the kids' beck and call ALL the time - I was showing them no boundaries and that I was a person who was just there to meet their every need.  Plus I ended up getting take aways half the time because even when I did attempt to cook, I was rushing around trying to get everything done before one of them called to me or cried and, well, you can imagine how stressful that would be!  So I put aside all the housework, cooking, cleaning and laundry and tried to lower my standards but you know what?  I was miserable and I was stressed, my kids were eating rubbish and I could never find anything when I needed it and that stressed me out even more!

So I have recently been told that it's good to do the housework while your kids are around - it teaches them how life really is.  So I started up again but you know what I find?  It seems like I'm always preparing a meal, cleaning up after a meal or loading/ unloading the dishwasher, hanging washing etc.  I just don't even know where I can find the time or (energy for that matter!) to play a lot with them anyway!

And by playing I don't mean just interacting.  I interact with them ALL the time.  I talk to them and sing to them.  We eat meals together and chat and smile.  They are always in the same room as I am when I'm cleaning and they help me or play and ask me for help with whatever they are doing.  My older boy helps me load the washer and hang the washing.  I explain to them what I'm doing.  I involve them.  But what I'm saying is that I rarely actually get down on the floor with them and play with their toys.

So my question is this.  How much time *should* we be actively playing with our kids?  Is it ok to get the things done that are necessary for the smooth-ish running of a household of 4 people?  Is chatting with them and involving them enough?  Or should I be playing with them more?  How much time do you spend playing with your kids?  Please take my poll