I haven't posted in a while as we've had a 2 week holiday in the Gold Coast of Australia visiting the Chief's family and I also spent time catching up with friends from when we lived over there. Aside from a few ups and downs it was a pretty good holiday. We got back at midnight on Thursday only to wake up Friday morning, repack and drive up north to Rotorua for a family meeting. If that wasn't crazy enough, Hammer got sick while we were in Rotorua. We took him to the doctor because he had so many ulcers in his mouth that he couldn't eat. Turns out he had hand, foot and mouth virus.
So we got back on Sunday night to a house that had clean laundry piled up the lounge, dirty laudry piled up in the laundry room and an undetermined smell coming from the kitchen (note: don't leave food in the fridge while you're gone for 2 weeks!) and on top of this I had a very clingly toddler and an on the go baby who started crawling while we were overseas. Hammer just wanted to be with me so both boys napped ON me during the day. The good thing was they both slept for about 3 hours during the day. The bad thing was, of course, that they were laying on me!! I just sat in a chair thinking 'this is about them, not me' and tried to ignore the growing mountain of laundry and the mess in our house.
The plan (when will I learn not to plan??!) was to come home, have Monday as a 'do nothing' day and then I was going to start the kids with a care giver on Tuesday. Of course with Hammer being sick, all that went out the window. I was ok with not starting the childcare because when he's sick, I just want him to get better, but it did make me feel like SOMETHING always comes up. I was feeling like it is constantly one thing after another and how it seems like as soon as I see a light at the end of the tunnel I sort of feel like there's this hand reaching up to pull me back down. I started thinking maybe I'm not meant to be happy.. maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel because every time I start thinking it will get better, something comes along to show me that no, in fact, it won't.
But then a couple of strange things happened... I was thinking all of this while in the car after dropping off the Chief at work and then I thought of the devastation going on in this world and I thought.. at least I have a home to go back to. Man that just hit me like a ton of bricks. Firstly because it changed my thinking from feeling sorry for myself to actually feeling pretty lucky and grateful for what I do have... but secondly because it made me aware that I am getting better. Two months ago I never would have thought about it that way. Less fortunate people would come in to my mind but I would quicly dismiss it because I just couldn't contemplate other people at all. I was so far in the darkness that I couldn't even see beyond myself. But by realising that I am lucky, I can see how far I've come. I can now realise that even if my life is crap right now, it's only right now and life will get better. Next week will be a different week. And this made me realise that even if I had a setback, it doesn't mean I am back where I started. Say there's a scale of where I'm at from 1 to 10 (where 1 is wanting to drive in to a tree and 10 is loving life to the max) I was probably at a 2 in November of 2010 or even a 1... and now I'm probably hovering around a 6. Getting help with the childcare would push me to a 7 or possibly an 8... but then coming home and being jet-lagged and having a messy house and a sick child has probably only set me back to a 5. It's good to know that. Like a set back is just a set back, not starting back at square one.
And the other strange thing happened when C (the nurse from Maternal Mental Health) visited. She told me that young children tend to get sick 10 times a year. TEN times!! Now wonder why I feel like it's one thing after another - because it is!!! This is why I think knowledge is key. Now that I know this I don't have to think 'why me' when my kids get sick. I can instead think 'this is time number 3 out of about 10' and I'm not the only one it happens to. And for some reason that makes me feel better.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Christchurch Earthquake
Well I haven't had a chance to write here for the past few days as I'm on holiday and had to get my computer set up .. which was low on the list of priorities (settling in, hanging with in-laws, neice's baptism and first birthday, shopping, etc) and now that I'm up and running the only thing I can think about is the horrible disaster down south. It has really affected me and I'm not quite sure why. As soon as I heard about it I was glued to the tv and found tears coming to my eyes. I just kept thinking 'that's my country' which is a bit crazy considering that I've only lived in NZ for a year and I've never even been to the South Island. But there it is, can't really write about anything else. I feel for the people of Chch, they have been through so much. I wonder if they are thinking like I am - how can they even start to recover from this? My thoughts are with them and their families and friends.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My little big secret
Today I had a home visit from a woman from Maternal Mental Health. The woman who came to visit me - let's call her 'C' - is a nurse who has worked in the mental health field for some time. She came out a week ago to assess me and see what kind of help I needed. Last week she said I was pretty borderline as to whether or not I was someone they would treat because I'm 'high functioning' (her words). This week was a bit different because of course yesterday I was having such a hard day so today I guess I wasn't as high functioning!!
C is really good, a bit tough on me but actually I think I may need it. She's holding me accountable to goals I set. For example, last week when she was here I told her about my goals to get fit and lose weight. I told her I'd planned to do pilates 3 times a week and either go for a walk or run 3 times a week. She stopped me and said 'Right there, you're setting yourself up for failure'. She said just plan to do exercise 3 times a week and then if you do more, great, but if you don't then at least you've succeeded in reaching your goal.
Hmmm... I have always been of the 'go hard or go home' philosophy and thought that 6 times a week is a good minimum goal - I mean 3 times a week is great for other people but not me, I can do better than that. But for some reason when C said this to me, for once, it finally dawned on me that maybe I do expect too much from myself. So I did my 3 walks last week and told her as much (2 were walking around shops haha). She said that's great but that she wants me to do 3 deliberate walks around my neighbourhood because we all walk all the time but it's important to just walk for the sake of exercise ...so that's what I mean about her being tough but fair.
We also talked about the bad day I was having yesterday. She keeps saying to me there is no magic wand that I can wave to make everything better, and that it is tough to make changes when I'm in this frame of mind.. but I also gathered that the tough road will be the road that gets me better. I mean obviously if I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to get the same results (thanks Dr Phil). I talked to her about how we're going away in 2 days and how the kitchen has been a disaster so yesterday I decided it was too much for me to tidy before making a meal so I went out and got fast food. She told me that was just an excuse to do the thing that I wanted to do anyway. She said it makes no difference to her that I eat fast food, she thinks I'm fabulous (thanks :)) but that what happens is I then come home and feel bad about what I've eaten and beat myself up over it and it brings me down. So ya. Tough. But also fair I think. Like really, I wanted fast food but I blamed the kitchen (my husband, tiredness etc etc) for it so I could get my food and have a reason. But she said there will always be an excuse!
I also ventured into unchartered territory. This is something I'm so hesitant to talk about (here - or anywhere for that matter) but on my road to recovery, I think I have to be honest. This is not easy for me. Sigh. Ok so I mentioned my drinking. I had mentioned it last week to her and she applauded me for talking about it because she said at least it's not my 'dirty little secret' (her words) anymore. I spoke to her about it because when she came in she told me her background is in drug and alcohol abuse. See, this is why I so firmly believe that the universe sends us what we need when we need it. I've always been concerned that my drinking was problematic .. I mean I suppose it was fine when I was single and socialising.. but now I often feel that once the kids go to sleep I *need* a drink. C told me that there are lots of things to do to make ourselves feel better but the thing with alcohol is that it is immediate gratification and it provides that relief I so desperately need. But of course that is only in the moment and with alcohol being a depressant, it makes me feel worse the next day (this is what I was beating myself up over yesterday because I KNOW this stuff, but I still DO it). So anyway, I asked her if I was an alcoholic. She said no (phew!) and that very few people make it to that exclusive group. She did say that I am a 'hazardous' drinker. I'm not quite 'dangerous' but I am at risk. This is because of family history (sorry family) with alcohol. So there it is folks.
**disclaimer - I did NOT drink during pregnancy!!!!!!
C is really good, a bit tough on me but actually I think I may need it. She's holding me accountable to goals I set. For example, last week when she was here I told her about my goals to get fit and lose weight. I told her I'd planned to do pilates 3 times a week and either go for a walk or run 3 times a week. She stopped me and said 'Right there, you're setting yourself up for failure'. She said just plan to do exercise 3 times a week and then if you do more, great, but if you don't then at least you've succeeded in reaching your goal.
Hmmm... I have always been of the 'go hard or go home' philosophy and thought that 6 times a week is a good minimum goal - I mean 3 times a week is great for other people but not me, I can do better than that. But for some reason when C said this to me, for once, it finally dawned on me that maybe I do expect too much from myself. So I did my 3 walks last week and told her as much (2 were walking around shops haha). She said that's great but that she wants me to do 3 deliberate walks around my neighbourhood because we all walk all the time but it's important to just walk for the sake of exercise ...so that's what I mean about her being tough but fair.
We also talked about the bad day I was having yesterday. She keeps saying to me there is no magic wand that I can wave to make everything better, and that it is tough to make changes when I'm in this frame of mind.. but I also gathered that the tough road will be the road that gets me better. I mean obviously if I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to get the same results (thanks Dr Phil). I talked to her about how we're going away in 2 days and how the kitchen has been a disaster so yesterday I decided it was too much for me to tidy before making a meal so I went out and got fast food. She told me that was just an excuse to do the thing that I wanted to do anyway. She said it makes no difference to her that I eat fast food, she thinks I'm fabulous (thanks :)) but that what happens is I then come home and feel bad about what I've eaten and beat myself up over it and it brings me down. So ya. Tough. But also fair I think. Like really, I wanted fast food but I blamed the kitchen (my husband, tiredness etc etc) for it so I could get my food and have a reason. But she said there will always be an excuse!
I also ventured into unchartered territory. This is something I'm so hesitant to talk about (here - or anywhere for that matter) but on my road to recovery, I think I have to be honest. This is not easy for me. Sigh. Ok so I mentioned my drinking. I had mentioned it last week to her and she applauded me for talking about it because she said at least it's not my 'dirty little secret' (her words) anymore. I spoke to her about it because when she came in she told me her background is in drug and alcohol abuse. See, this is why I so firmly believe that the universe sends us what we need when we need it. I've always been concerned that my drinking was problematic .. I mean I suppose it was fine when I was single and socialising.. but now I often feel that once the kids go to sleep I *need* a drink. C told me that there are lots of things to do to make ourselves feel better but the thing with alcohol is that it is immediate gratification and it provides that relief I so desperately need. But of course that is only in the moment and with alcohol being a depressant, it makes me feel worse the next day (this is what I was beating myself up over yesterday because I KNOW this stuff, but I still DO it). So anyway, I asked her if I was an alcoholic. She said no (phew!) and that very few people make it to that exclusive group. She did say that I am a 'hazardous' drinker. I'm not quite 'dangerous' but I am at risk. This is because of family history (sorry family) with alcohol. So there it is folks.
**disclaimer - I did NOT drink during pregnancy!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's a tricky thing...
This PND. I go along thinking everything is fine, I'm getting better, I've even felt excited about things... and then a day like today hits and I'm so down in the dumps I don't want to do anything. I don't get how one day I can be completely fine then the next be hurting so much that I end up in tears for no apparent reason. I mean I'm sure there's a reason, but it's not anything obvious - at least not to me. It's a beautiful sunny day outside, my eldest son is at pre-school which leaves me only one child to look after, I am going on holiday soon.. everything seems to be ok, yet I am not.
I try to figure out what it could be that's causing me to be down, but maybe this is just the way it is with pnd. Like some days will I just be feeling low for no discernable reason? Or is there something going on that is actually the cause (could it be the messy kitchen we've had for too many days? stress about the holiday? too much time on my hands etc etc). Why are some days hard and others not so much?
I have been trying to think back on what I've learned from the PND support group and various other sources over the past while and I think of things like:
I try to figure out what it could be that's causing me to be down, but maybe this is just the way it is with pnd. Like some days will I just be feeling low for no discernable reason? Or is there something going on that is actually the cause (could it be the messy kitchen we've had for too many days? stress about the holiday? too much time on my hands etc etc). Why are some days hard and others not so much?
I have been trying to think back on what I've learned from the PND support group and various other sources over the past while and I think of things like:
- feelings are just feelings and they can change - that is to say I can feel like this now, but that doesn't mean I'll feel this way tomorrow, or in an hour for that matter
- feelings, thoughts and behaviours all influence each other so if I can change the thought then I can change my feelings .. so that makes me wonder have I been thinking something that has been bringing me down? And I realise that ya, I sort of woke up beating myself up about something and that could have quite possibly caused the initial bad feelings, then they've just spiraled down. Also behaviour affects feelings (and vice versa) so perhaps if I change my behaviour - ie get out of the house - then I might feel better. But the thing is, I don't 'feel' like going out! I want to just relax before I have to go get Hammer in 45 minutes
- live in the moment - so stop thinking about making dinner tonight and what I need to do in the morning and dreading going to get Hammer soon and just think about right now. Think about the fact that right now, Hammer is at pre-school and Nicky is napping and I am just fine sitting here typing...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Who Am I?
When I was setting up my blog, this was a bit of a road block for me. I mean it's such a simple question.. who am I? I started typing and kept backspacking and deleting what I had typed. I wrote 'stay at home mum with 2 young boys' but this conjured up the image that I had of SAHMs before I had kids - someone who sat on the floor and played with their kids all day...not exactly me.
Is 'who I am' who I was before I had kids? A career woman who travelled and socialised and graduated from university? Not really who I am right now either.
I mean how do you write who you are in a small little box on the side of the page anyway? I think it requires a little more depth than that.. So I'll tell you a bit about who I am, in a round-about way, starting with the stats...
I'm a 38 year old Canadian living in New Zealand. I am married to a Kiwi and at the end of this month we are celebrating our 3 year anniversary. Our oldest son, Hammer, is 2 years and 4 months (ya, ya, do the math) and our youngest, Nicky, is nearly 9 months old. So I'm a Mum and a wife..
After graduating University but before becoming a wife I worked in IT in Ottawa, Ontario. I had a few different jobs but the one I had the longest was working for a software company as a sales representative, selling encryption software (yawn - but really, a great company to work for!). When it was time for a change, I chose to go hard (and not go home) and moved to Edinburgh, Scotland to be a live-in manager of a Bed and Breakfast. Then I moved on to being an IT trainer and got to travel around Scoltand training medical staff. So ya, I guess I was a career woman too.
I met my husband when I was managing the B&B and we lived together in Edinburgh for nearly 4 years. When we got engaged, we decided we should 'settle down' and raise our family in one of our home countries. New Zealand was the decision, so we travelled Europe a bit and stopped in at the Gold Coast, Australia and decided to stay for 2 and a half years. We had our first son there. When I was pregnant with number 2, we moved over to Wellington, New Zealand and are still here (thankfully!). So I guess I'm also a bit of a traveller too (been to 17 countries, which is pretty cool considering I hadn't seen an ocean til I was 26).
But these things don't really tell you 'who I am' so much as they tell you 'what I've done'. Really, who I am is a kind person with a good heart, a mum of 2 who is struggling a lot most days, who wishes she had more friends or even a few really close friends or family nearby, who has all kinds of hopes and dreams but feels a bit like she'll never be able to get to them now that she's a parent.. someone who is working through this new life and trying to find her way.
And on a lighter note, I'm someone who loves music, loves socialising, painting, drawing, sewing, doing crafts - really doing anything creative; someone who loves cooking and reading and writing and dreaming and planning and organising. I'm also quite in to learning and listening to myself and becoming a better person. There are so many facets to who I am.
That's why I find such a simple question so difficult to answer. I mean really, who are you?
Is 'who I am' who I was before I had kids? A career woman who travelled and socialised and graduated from university? Not really who I am right now either.
I mean how do you write who you are in a small little box on the side of the page anyway? I think it requires a little more depth than that.. So I'll tell you a bit about who I am, in a round-about way, starting with the stats...
I'm a 38 year old Canadian living in New Zealand. I am married to a Kiwi and at the end of this month we are celebrating our 3 year anniversary. Our oldest son, Hammer, is 2 years and 4 months (ya, ya, do the math) and our youngest, Nicky, is nearly 9 months old. So I'm a Mum and a wife..
After graduating University but before becoming a wife I worked in IT in Ottawa, Ontario. I had a few different jobs but the one I had the longest was working for a software company as a sales representative, selling encryption software (yawn - but really, a great company to work for!). When it was time for a change, I chose to go hard (and not go home) and moved to Edinburgh, Scotland to be a live-in manager of a Bed and Breakfast. Then I moved on to being an IT trainer and got to travel around Scoltand training medical staff. So ya, I guess I was a career woman too.
I met my husband when I was managing the B&B and we lived together in Edinburgh for nearly 4 years. When we got engaged, we decided we should 'settle down' and raise our family in one of our home countries. New Zealand was the decision, so we travelled Europe a bit and stopped in at the Gold Coast, Australia and decided to stay for 2 and a half years. We had our first son there. When I was pregnant with number 2, we moved over to Wellington, New Zealand and are still here (thankfully!). So I guess I'm also a bit of a traveller too (been to 17 countries, which is pretty cool considering I hadn't seen an ocean til I was 26).
But these things don't really tell you 'who I am' so much as they tell you 'what I've done'. Really, who I am is a kind person with a good heart, a mum of 2 who is struggling a lot most days, who wishes she had more friends or even a few really close friends or family nearby, who has all kinds of hopes and dreams but feels a bit like she'll never be able to get to them now that she's a parent.. someone who is working through this new life and trying to find her way.
And on a lighter note, I'm someone who loves music, loves socialising, painting, drawing, sewing, doing crafts - really doing anything creative; someone who loves cooking and reading and writing and dreaming and planning and organising. I'm also quite in to learning and listening to myself and becoming a better person. There are so many facets to who I am.
That's why I find such a simple question so difficult to answer. I mean really, who are you?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesdays...
When I used to work outside the home.. you know, before I had kids and I had a regular office job... I used to LOVE Wednesdays. It was the middle of the week, hump day. And when 12:00 hit I knew I was on the downhill slide to the weekend.
Over the past year I have grown to HATE Wednesdays. Now, to me they, are a sign that there's still 3 long days to go before the weekend. I hate midday even more because I dread the kids waking from the afternoon nap and having to get through to the end of the day.
Today was different though. My husband let me sleep in and when I got up it was a glorious sunny day. I drove him to work, which I often do, and on the drive I started thinking about all the things I could do today and all the things I wanted to do today. Then I stopped myself. See I've come to realise that making all these plans only leaves me feeling like crap by the end of the day because I just can never get to any of them. Like I think 'I want to write in my journal' or 'I'd like to do a few things to organise my sewing room' and little things like that but then I usually get to the end of the day and I've had no time to do any of them. I now stop myself from making plans because if I get to the end of the day and haven't had a chance to do any of them, I start to think about how little there is 'for me' in this world I live in. I still daydream but instead think 'I'd like to do 'x' at some point soon' and that makes me feel better. I can dream about it but don't feel bad if I don't actually get to it. So today was going pretty well....
But then of course something happened that caused a bump in my shiney day. I went to a playgroup to meet with a child carer that I thought I'd like to have look after my kids (more on this later). She's excellent, but after today's playgroup I just started to feel unsure if she's right for us. I am looking for someone to watch my boys 3 mornings a week for 3 hours each day but the 3 days I want her to look after them, she's at various playgroups and Playcentres. I just feel like it's a bit much for the boys - today they were both crying while we were there and I ended upu leaving an hour early. So I was pretty down about that because I had thought that we had this sorted and I was (finally!) going to get a bit of time for myself, but now it doesn't seem like it was going to work out.
I talked to the Chief and he was very supportive as always but also pointed out that this carer is really good at handling things and wouldn't crack under pressure. I know this is a great skill and she has a lot of other admirable qualities as well. I might have already been on a downer about her anyway.. with this depression, it's so hard to tell what is really my 'gut' and what isn't because everything is so mixed up. In the end, I've decided that I will check out 2 other carers just to compare. I mean after all, I got 3 quotes when we wanted to insulate our home. Why wouldn't I check out a few different carers for the most important people in my life?!
So we came home, had a nap and the afternoon worked out all right. I took the boys out for a walk and then came home to make dinner. The boys were a bit unsettled so I decided to leave dinner (first time!) and just sit with them. Of course, my husband isn't bothered.. he'd rather come home to a sane wife and no dinner than to a fully cooked dinner on the table and a screaming wife like he has in the past! But ya, it ended up working out ok. So now I'm ok, just knackered!
Over the past year I have grown to HATE Wednesdays. Now, to me they, are a sign that there's still 3 long days to go before the weekend. I hate midday even more because I dread the kids waking from the afternoon nap and having to get through to the end of the day.
Today was different though. My husband let me sleep in and when I got up it was a glorious sunny day. I drove him to work, which I often do, and on the drive I started thinking about all the things I could do today and all the things I wanted to do today. Then I stopped myself. See I've come to realise that making all these plans only leaves me feeling like crap by the end of the day because I just can never get to any of them. Like I think 'I want to write in my journal' or 'I'd like to do a few things to organise my sewing room' and little things like that but then I usually get to the end of the day and I've had no time to do any of them. I now stop myself from making plans because if I get to the end of the day and haven't had a chance to do any of them, I start to think about how little there is 'for me' in this world I live in. I still daydream but instead think 'I'd like to do 'x' at some point soon' and that makes me feel better. I can dream about it but don't feel bad if I don't actually get to it. So today was going pretty well....
But then of course something happened that caused a bump in my shiney day. I went to a playgroup to meet with a child carer that I thought I'd like to have look after my kids (more on this later). She's excellent, but after today's playgroup I just started to feel unsure if she's right for us. I am looking for someone to watch my boys 3 mornings a week for 3 hours each day but the 3 days I want her to look after them, she's at various playgroups and Playcentres. I just feel like it's a bit much for the boys - today they were both crying while we were there and I ended upu leaving an hour early. So I was pretty down about that because I had thought that we had this sorted and I was (finally!) going to get a bit of time for myself, but now it doesn't seem like it was going to work out.
I talked to the Chief and he was very supportive as always but also pointed out that this carer is really good at handling things and wouldn't crack under pressure. I know this is a great skill and she has a lot of other admirable qualities as well. I might have already been on a downer about her anyway.. with this depression, it's so hard to tell what is really my 'gut' and what isn't because everything is so mixed up. In the end, I've decided that I will check out 2 other carers just to compare. I mean after all, I got 3 quotes when we wanted to insulate our home. Why wouldn't I check out a few different carers for the most important people in my life?!
So we came home, had a nap and the afternoon worked out all right. I took the boys out for a walk and then came home to make dinner. The boys were a bit unsettled so I decided to leave dinner (first time!) and just sit with them. Of course, my husband isn't bothered.. he'd rather come home to a sane wife and no dinner than to a fully cooked dinner on the table and a screaming wife like he has in the past! But ya, it ended up working out ok. So now I'm ok, just knackered!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Welcome
Hello and welcome. I wrote a couple of entries a while back when I was in what was probably (hopefully) the worst of my Postnatal Depression (PND) or Postpartum Depression (PPD) as my friends back home would say. I figure now is a good time to start again on this blog as a way to help me work through my life at the moment.
A little bit about what brought me to where I am today.. the story is pretty long, but the reader's digest version is this... I met my husband, the Chief, in 2004 and we got married early in 2008. Later that same year, our lovely little Hammer came along... then in 2010 little Nicky joined our family. During that time we have moved country 3 times (yes country!) and our life has been pretty unsettled to say the least! After all the major changes were finished and we were moved in to our new house, I realised that I was still not getting better. I constantly found myself saying that I was miserable 80% of the time and I could see no way of it ever being any better unless I could build a time machine and go back and not have kids... finally someone heard me and told me to go see my doctor. I did, and I made the extremely difficult decision to go on medication. Looking back now, I can't believe how bad I was. Things that I thought were just a part of who I'd become since having kids, from the basic lack of joy in my life all the way to my thoughts and beliefs about my parents and my childhood were all actually part of the depression.
That's not to say that I'm 'all better' now. I'm still struggling through this bumpy road, but at least now I think that at some point it will be fine. I can actually stay home now instead of always running around town trying to keep busy so that I didn't have to feel the hopelessness that I was feeling.
This is the point where most people seem to go in to how much they love their kids and how happy and well adjusted they are. I think this is because there is some unspoken rule that it's not ok to say that being a mother is tough and sometimes it sucks. It's like we feel we need to keep everything in balance by saying what a rewarding experience motherhood is and reassure everyone that our kids are ok and are not being neglected and are generally pretty happy ... but I'm not going to do that here. I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just saying I won't do that here. This is not a blog for my kids. It is for me.
A little bit about what brought me to where I am today.. the story is pretty long, but the reader's digest version is this... I met my husband, the Chief, in 2004 and we got married early in 2008. Later that same year, our lovely little Hammer came along... then in 2010 little Nicky joined our family. During that time we have moved country 3 times (yes country!) and our life has been pretty unsettled to say the least! After all the major changes were finished and we were moved in to our new house, I realised that I was still not getting better. I constantly found myself saying that I was miserable 80% of the time and I could see no way of it ever being any better unless I could build a time machine and go back and not have kids... finally someone heard me and told me to go see my doctor. I did, and I made the extremely difficult decision to go on medication. Looking back now, I can't believe how bad I was. Things that I thought were just a part of who I'd become since having kids, from the basic lack of joy in my life all the way to my thoughts and beliefs about my parents and my childhood were all actually part of the depression.
That's not to say that I'm 'all better' now. I'm still struggling through this bumpy road, but at least now I think that at some point it will be fine. I can actually stay home now instead of always running around town trying to keep busy so that I didn't have to feel the hopelessness that I was feeling.
This is the point where most people seem to go in to how much they love their kids and how happy and well adjusted they are. I think this is because there is some unspoken rule that it's not ok to say that being a mother is tough and sometimes it sucks. It's like we feel we need to keep everything in balance by saying what a rewarding experience motherhood is and reassure everyone that our kids are ok and are not being neglected and are generally pretty happy ... but I'm not going to do that here. I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just saying I won't do that here. This is not a blog for my kids. It is for me.
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