It's a tricky thing...

This PND.  I go along thinking everything is fine, I'm getting better, I've even felt excited about things... and then a day like today hits and I'm so down in the dumps I don't want to do anything.  I don't get how one day I can be completely fine then the next be hurting so much that I end up in tears for no apparent reason.  I mean I'm sure there's a reason, but it's not anything obvious - at least not to me.  It's a beautiful sunny day outside, my eldest son is at pre-school which leaves me only one child to look after, I am going on holiday soon.. everything seems to be ok, yet I am not. 

I try to figure out what it could be that's causing me to be down, but maybe this is just the way it is with pnd.  Like some days will I just be feeling low for no discernable reason?  Or is there something going on that is actually the cause (could it be the messy kitchen we've had for too many days? stress about the holiday? too much time on my hands etc etc).  Why are some days hard and others not so much?

I have been trying to think back on what I've learned from the PND support group and various other sources over the past while and I think of things like:

• feelings are just feelings and they can change - that is to say I can feel like this now, but that doesn't mean I'll feel this way tomorrow, or in an hour for that matter

• feelings, thoughts and behaviours all influence each other so if I can change the thought then I can change my feelings .. so that makes me wonder have I been thinking something that has been bringing me down?  And I realise that ya, I sort of woke up beating myself up about something and that could have quite possibly caused the initial bad feelings, then they've just spiraled down.  Also behaviour affects feelings (and vice versa) so perhaps if I change my behaviour - ie get out of the house - then I might feel better.  But the thing is, I don't 'feel' like going out!  I want to just relax before I have to go get Hammer in 45 minutes

• live in the moment - so stop thinking about making dinner tonight and what I need to do in the morning and dreading going to get Hammer soon and just think about right now.  Think about the fact that right now, Hammer is at pre-school and Nicky is napping and I am just fine sitting here typing...

But I still FEEL like crap!  And this is all just so much work to get me to just feel 'ok'... I mean it's not even going to make me 'happy' ... it's only (possibly) get me to feel not so miserable.  And why, WHY do I feel this way today when yesterday I was ok?  And what do I do in these days to get out of this feeling?  I just want the horrible feeling to stop.  And I don't know what's causing it and what to do to stop it :(