Wednesdays...

When I used to work outside the home.. you know, before I had kids and I had a regular office job... I used to LOVE Wednesdays.  It was the middle of the week, hump day.  And when 12:00 hit I knew I was on the downhill slide to the weekend.

Over the past year I have grown to HATE Wednesdays.  Now, to me they, are a sign that there's still 3 long days to go before the weekend.  I hate midday even more because I dread the kids waking from the afternoon nap and having to get through to the end of the day. 

Today was different though.  My husband let me sleep in and when I got up it was a glorious sunny day.  I drove him to work, which I often do, and on the drive I started thinking about all the things I could do today and all the things I wanted to do today.  Then I stopped myself.  See I've come to realise that making all these plans only leaves me feeling like crap by the end of the day because I just can never get to any of them.  Like I think 'I want to write in my journal' or 'I'd like to do a few things to organise my sewing room' and little things like that but then I usually get to the end of the day and I've had no time to do any of them.  I now stop myself from making plans because if I get to the end of the day and haven't had a chance to do any of them, I start to think about how little there is 'for me' in this world I live in. I still daydream but instead think 'I'd like to do 'x' at some point soon' and that makes me feel better.  I can dream about it but don't feel bad if I don't actually get to it.  So today was going pretty well....

But then of course something happened that caused a bump in my shiney day.  I went to a playgroup to meet with a child carer that I thought I'd like to have look after my kids (more on this later).  She's excellent, but after today's playgroup I just started to feel unsure if she's right for us.  I am looking for someone to watch my boys 3 mornings a week for 3 hours each day but the 3 days I want her to look after them, she's at various playgroups and Playcentres.  I just feel like it's a bit much for the boys - today they were both crying while we were there and I ended upu leaving an hour early.  So I was pretty down about that because I had thought that we had this sorted and I was (finally!) going to get a bit of time for myself, but now it doesn't seem like it was going to work out.

I talked to the Chief and he was very supportive as always but also pointed out that this carer is really good at handling things and wouldn't crack under pressure.  I know this is a great skill and she has a lot of other admirable qualities as well.  I might have already been on a downer about her anyway..  with this depression, it's so hard to tell what is really my 'gut' and what isn't because everything is so mixed up.  In the end, I've decided that I will check out 2 other carers just to compare.  I mean after all, I got 3 quotes when we wanted to insulate our home.  Why wouldn't I check out a few different carers for the most important people in my life?!

So we came home, had a nap and the afternoon worked out all right.  I took the boys out for a walk and then came home to make dinner.  The boys were a bit unsettled so I decided to leave dinner (first time!) and just sit with them.  Of course, my husband isn't bothered.. he'd rather come home to a sane wife and no dinner than to a fully cooked dinner on the table and a screaming wife like he has in the past!  But ya, it ended up working out ok.  So now I'm ok, just knackered!