My little big secret

Today I had a home visit from a woman from Maternal Mental Health.  The woman who came to visit me - let's call her 'C' - is a nurse who has worked in the mental health field for some time.  She came out a week ago to assess me and see what kind of help I needed.  Last week she said I was pretty borderline as to whether or not I was someone they would treat because I'm 'high functioning' (her words).  This week was a bit different because of course yesterday I was having such a hard day so today I guess I wasn't as high functioning!! 

C is really good, a bit tough on me but actually I think I may need it.  She's holding me accountable to goals I set.  For example, last week when she was here I told her about my goals to get fit and lose weight.  I told her I'd planned to do pilates 3 times a week and either go for a walk or run 3 times a week.  She stopped me and said 'Right there, you're setting yourself up for failure'.  She said just plan to do exercise 3 times a week and then if you do more, great, but if you don't then at least you've succeeded in reaching your goal. 

Hmmm... I have always been of the 'go hard or go home' philosophy and thought that 6 times a week is a good minimum goal - I mean 3 times a week is great for other people but not me, I can do better than that.  But for some reason when C said this to me, for once, it finally dawned on me that maybe I do expect too much from myself.  So I did my 3 walks last week and told her as much (2 were walking around shops haha).  She said that's great but that she wants me to do 3 deliberate walks around my neighbourhood  because we all walk all the time but it's important to just walk for the sake of exercise ...so that's what I mean about her being tough but fair.

We also talked about the bad day I was having yesterday.  She keeps saying to me there is no magic wand that I can wave to make everything better, and that it is tough to make changes when I'm in this frame of mind.. but I also gathered that the tough road will be the road that gets me better.  I mean obviously if I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to get the same results (thanks Dr Phil).  I talked to her about how we're going away in 2 days and how the kitchen has been a disaster so yesterday I decided it was too much for me to tidy before making a meal so I went out and got fast food.  She told me that was just an excuse to do the thing that I wanted to do anyway.  She said it makes no difference to her that I eat fast food, she thinks I'm fabulous (thanks :)) but that what happens is I then come home and feel bad about what I've eaten and beat myself up over it and it brings me down.  So ya.  Tough.  But also fair I think.  Like really, I wanted fast food but I blamed the kitchen (my husband, tiredness etc etc) for it so I could get my food and have a reason.  But she said there will always be an excuse!

I also ventured into unchartered territory.  This is something I'm so hesitant to talk about (here - or anywhere for that matter) but on my road to recovery, I think I have to be honest.  This is not easy for me.  Sigh.  Ok so I mentioned my drinking.  I had mentioned it last week to her and she applauded me for talking about it because she said at least it's not my 'dirty little secret' (her words) anymore.  I spoke to her about it because when she came in she told me her background is in drug and alcohol abuse.  See, this is why I so firmly believe that the universe sends us what we need when we need it.  I've always been concerned that my drinking was problematic .. I mean I suppose it was fine when I was single and socialising.. but now I often feel that once the kids go to sleep I *need* a drink.  C told me that there are lots of things to do to make ourselves feel better but the thing with alcohol is that it is immediate gratification and it provides that relief I so desperately need.  But of course that is only in the moment and with alcohol being a depressant, it makes me feel worse the next day (this is what I was beating myself up over yesterday because I KNOW this stuff, but I still DO it).  So anyway, I asked her if I was an alcoholic.  She said no (phew!) and that very few people make it to that exclusive group.  She did say that I am a 'hazardous' drinker.  I'm not quite 'dangerous' but I am at risk.  This is because of family history (sorry family) with alcohol.  So there it is folks.

**disclaimer - I did NOT drink during pregnancy!!!!!!